I carry a stone around to throw at anyone I hear singing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving.
I call it my Jingle Bell Rock.
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Daughter’s math homework: Provide an example of
a) a real number
b) an imaginary numberDaughter:
a) the number displayed on Dad’s bathroom scale
b) the weight listed on his driver’s license
Scientist “human beings are psychologically prone to fundamentally misjudging probabilities.”
Me “That sounds really unlikely.”
My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.
I’d like to say the best moment of a woman’s life is giving birth, but it’s actually seeing an old nemesis & realizing she got really fat.
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂
So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*
Nothing happens
USERS: you’re alienating the people who actually use your product
TWITTER: likes are now florps
USERS: what
TWITTER: timeline goes sideways
I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!
Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?
Just in case you’re thinking about having kids, I just broke up an argument about “excessive angry blinking” at each other.
A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.
13: Mom I love Spanish class and guess what!
Me: What?
13: I’m already fluent… un, deux, trois.
Me:
13: Oh wait, that’s French.
Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.
America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.
sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad
My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is
Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.
I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.
Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”
Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.
If you don’t open your mouth when you yawn, you’re a monster. I’m serious. Let that demon go. You’re freaking everybody out.
8 ways to manage anger:
– scream into tapestry
– incoherent accusations
– threaten France
– try to shoot lightening from finger tips
– wine
– hurl Spaniards into the Thames
– cake for you and no one else
– new wife
My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her
Me: Why does my phone keep changing campus to Camus?
Phone: There is no higher purpose in life.
Me: You could at least stop misspelling words.
P: *long drag on cigarette* There is no meaning. Duck yoor speeling.
Me: Is that a beret?
P: Oui.
how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?
genie: you have three wishes
me: make firemen ugly
genie: you got it
me: instead of sliding down a pole make them climb out of a well
genie: ok
me: take the big ladder off their truck
genie: dude what’s your problem
They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.
Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.