I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.
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a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you
Boss “Are you high?”
Me “If I was high could I do this?”
*Inserts a USB into it’s port the right way up 1st time”
Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon
Harry Potter: A Shortened Version
Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter.
Everyone else: Lol, no.
Of course I talk to myself. I’m a great listener.
I hate when someone throws shade at me, and then I have to drag out my axe and chop down the whole tree and let it fall on them.
Timber, dipshit.
Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.
In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”
Interviewer: what鈥檚 your greatest weakness?
Clark Kent: kryptonite
Interviewer: right, what鈥檚 your kryptonite?
Clark Kent: ohhhh I see what you mean. Chips and salsa
According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.
My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
women dont read this…
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…ok, guys, theyre hiding a product called “dry shampoo” from us
Kinda rude that books come in volumes when librarians hate sound
Don’t eat sugar, don’t drink alcohol, don’t eat saturated fat, wear sunscreen, drink plenty of water, moisturize, and exercise….
And you’ll be the healthiest corpse in the morgue.
7-year-old: I don’t want mashed potatoes.
Me: They’re just like French fries.
7: Then give me French fries.
There’s a flaw in her logic, but I can’t find it.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.
Got a new washer and dryer today, and I’ve been doing laundry all day long. I’ve washed everything that can be washed. Getting ready to go ask the neighbors for their laundry now.
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 馃
Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.
I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.
I go back to work tomorrow, ending my 91 day weekend.
Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings
Speed Dating
Tell me something about yourself
I have 3 cats
What do u do for fun
I have 3 cats
What are you most proud about
I have 3
Next
hamburger doesn’t need your help.
My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.
Beer enthusiasts should have an OnlyCans.
My friend never knew the difference between ‘infer’ and ‘imply’ which was never an issue until he opened a club called Disco Implyno
our love story in four pictures
My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.