@sixfootcandy

I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.

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@dreamthievin

One time I swallowed an entire box of Alphabits whole and the only thing I pooped out was the lyrics to a Nicki Minaj song

@CJhooray

“Damn do you have a wizard wand in your pocket or are you just happy to see me? ;)”
*pulls wand from pocket*
“I haven’t been happy in years”

@MartaEffing

Yes, you take my breath away… But so does a brisk walk, or the sight of an ugly baby. Don’t be so flattered.

@AnkCoupleTO

[gym]

Him: Are you using that machine?
Me: *locked in a passionate embrace with the squat rack* it’s CLEARLY mutual

@SatansTongue

*at a concert*
ARE YOU GUYS READY TO ROCK
(Crowd)
“YEAAAAH”
LETS DO THIS HIT IT
*30 second ad plays first*

@CheeseDaydreams

Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant

@Jeffwni

Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.

@fro_vo

Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
Me: if u don’t look at them they disappear
Wife: that’s ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda