I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.

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*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.


Why I gotta put a seatbelt on but the garbage man can hang off the back of the truck


Me: I’m gonna make a salad

Her: I think the lettuce went bad

[opens fridge]

[lettuce flicks a cigarette, hops out & pulls a switch blade]


H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.

Me: Good idea.

[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]


I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.


Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.


Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.