*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.
I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.
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Her: What’s sex without love?
Me: About $100 a hour
Why I gotta put a seatbelt on but the garbage man can hang off the back of the truck
Me: I’m gonna make a salad
Her: I think the lettuce went bad
[lettuce flicks a cigarette, hops out & pulls a switch blade]
H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]
I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.
When someone asks if I have any hobbies
Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.
Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.