I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.
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Police: THIS IS THE POLICE! OPEN YOUR DOOR NOW!!!!!!
Me: Not with that attitude.
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”
The most rewarding part of having a teenage daughter is having someone who looks exactly like you, acts just like you but who also finds everything about you absolutely repulsive
ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]
[Inventing Squash]
FRIEND: What are you doing?
ME: I just [smashes ball] really hate this wall
FRIEND: u know what [grabs racket] so do I
*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*
I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money
PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.
Got fired from the petting zoo for giving the rabbits birth control.
Them: This is a knife for cutting cake
Me: [Laughing] Who actually cuts cake
Them:
Me: Oh
For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.
Me with megaphone: “COME DOWN FROM THERE. YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR.”
Man: “I’m fixing your roof tiles, remember?”
Me: “I FORGOT!”
*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*
Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.
Teenagers are most fun when they’re asked to clean up the mess they’ve made themselves.
People always act really shocked when I tell them that I don’t like chocolate. Even moreso when I say I don’t like dogs. But I don’t know man, I just don’t think either tastes very good.
i wish all
whales
a very
big
Girl, same.
I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.
I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.
I’m sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.
[1st day at Subway]
Boss: u said u’d done this before
Me: [painting myself in marinara sauce] I’m really more of an abstract sandwich artist
DATE: I’m leaving
ME: Why?
D: You keep pretending to be a bat
M: I don’t
D: You’re doing it right now
[a single tear rolls up my forehead]
mcdonalds: may I take your order
cronus: I’ll have the kids meal
1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.
Schrödinger: Happy anniversary!
Schrödinger’s wife: Thank you! I wonder what’s in the box!
Schrödinger: [Realizes he grabbed the wrong box and starts sweating]
Church: time to come back
Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you
Boyf said I look really pretty when I’m concentrating…I realised its cos I’m quiet! Either way it’s the last time I let him watch me poo
Terribly Tuesday.
I introduced my 2yo to Cheerios and now I have to carry a little baggie around wherever we go in case he needs his next fix