Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.
You Might Also Like
Told someone what city I live in.
“Oh are you married to a doctor?”
“No. My husband is though.”
My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better
This 1886 photograph of a young girl trying to cut a beam of sunlight with a pair of scissors is either a wonderful testament to the boundless imagination of childhood, or a clear example of the fact that kids were just as dumb 135 years ago.
[first day of work as a 911 operator]
“Hello, 911”
Hi someone’s trying to break into my house
“holy shit call 911”
Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.
I like how Subway sells “healthy footlong” sandwiches, as if anything is healthy when you’re eating it by the foot.
[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
Wife’s been away since thursday, we ran out of spaghetti-o’s on friday, ate the dog yesterday, burned photo albums for heat today, pls help
*strips buck naked*Buck: Give me back my clothes !
I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.
[doctor’s office]
Me: My eye hurts.
Doctor: Okay. But first let’s have you step up on this scale so we can see how fat you are.
Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
me: meet my invisible gf
friend: u don’t have to settle for that
me: ok but she’s–
friend: i was talking to her
Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.
CONCERT
AC/DC: Who’s ready to be Thunderstruck?
CROWD: *screams
ME: [from front row] IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!
When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days
If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.
*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.
[At maternity ward]
Me: is this where babies are delivered
Nurse: Yes
Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers
Her: I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you
*she stabs me
Me:..but…you…didn’t…tell…me
She: Yes I did. You never listen.
I don’t wish anyone strife in their relationship but i do wish my neighbors would enunciate a little more when they fight so i can hear better.
[Coworker] Are you smiling at your stapler?
No, just checking for spinach [Laughs nervously].
Oh, good.
[Me, to stapler] Sorry baby I had to
Me, writes out daily outfits for trip on stationary, folds each outfit together, makes labels with the day I am to wear said outfit and attaches it to the folded pile and lays each gently into suitcase.
Husband, “Do you think I need more than 3 pairs of socks?”
Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.
Being brave is overrated.
Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.
This Is total BULLSHIT! You can’t even find ACME anvils on ebay.
THIS IS WHY THE ALIENS DON’T TAKE US SERIOUSLY!
The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan
cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box