I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.

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Co-worker: “Where’s all the microscope oil and acetic acid?”
Me: (with a mouthful of salad topped with vinaigrette) I dunno.


ME: let me be frank

DAD: [eyes widen]

ME: and if you say hi Frank I’m dad, I’m gonna be real pissed

DAD: fair enough GonnaBeRealPissed


[me dress shopping]

“Ohhhh that’s cute”

*an 80 year old buys it*


I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.


[slides $5 to paramedic]
Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don’t make it


Just convinced the teen up the street that he needs to change the winter air out of his tires and put in summer air. Don’t do dope, kids.


I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden


*at bank*
I always think it’s funny when I go to the bank because my last name is Banks
Teller: “haha. First name?”
*Pulls out gun*