Co-worker: “Where’s all the microscope oil and acetic acid?”
Me: (with a mouthful of salad topped with vinaigrette) I dunno.
I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.
You Might Also Like
ME: let me be frank
DAD: [eyes widen]
ME: and if you say hi Frank I’m dad, I’m gonna be real pissed
DAD: fair enough GonnaBeRealPissed
[me dress shopping]
“Ohhhh that’s cute”
*an 80 year old buys it*
I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
[slides $5 to paramedic]
Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don’t make it
Just convinced the teen up the street that he needs to change the winter air out of his tires and put in summer air. Don’t do dope, kids.
I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden
Ominous sub-editing fail of the day
I always think it’s funny when I go to the bank because my last name is Banks
Teller: “haha. First name?”
*Pulls out gun*