I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.
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Imagine accidentally walking in on someone in the bathroom who’s not on their phone.
Just sitting there, hands on their lap like a psychopath.
Ramadan month is exhausting. You have to wait all day to Instagram your food.
Work from home? I don’t even work from work.
Tried to be sly and shove the whole cookie in my mouth without him seeing me.
Then he turned around and asked me a question.
Told a woman who was shopping with a newborn that I had teenagers. I was waiting for her to say I looked too young to have teenagers.
She didn’t.
99% of the time I have zero understanding of how people are using “iykyk”. “Eating some ice cream iykyk.” Well I certainly thought I knew about ice cream. I thought *everybody* knew about ice cream
Locked myself in the bathroom for 2 minutes of solace when lo and behold my 3 year old Macgyvered her way in with a hair clip. I’m too upset to be impressed.
Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this
The Pope is putting out a Christmas album. And just like that, Lady Gaga now has the SECOND weirdest wardrobe in music
*hears recording of my voice*
Me: Haha! Do I really sound like that?
Judge: Please refrain from commenting on the state’s evidence.
Replying to peoples selfies with the phone number to a dermatologist is not OK.
I’ll stop now.
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Cat armor
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How to stop armored cats
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It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
ME: [trying to console a friend whose house has been demolished] Cheer up, bulldozing is the sincerest form of flattery
How do German people not choke to death when they talk
I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.
DOCTOR: If your wife doesn’t deliver the baby in one hour, we’ll do a c-section
ME: *setting timer* ᴱˢᶜᵃᵖᵉ ʷᵒᵐᵇ
Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.
I’ve got this.
*grabs a hammer*
Greek yogurt should have Greek names.
“What flavor you got?”
“Strawberry-Banananopoulos”
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
in ratatouille 2 we find out that the secret to remy’s talent was a flea named jacques who lived on his head and controlled him by tugging at his individual hairs
Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.
I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work
Me: I have nothing to say
Also me: AND ANOTHER THING
I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack
A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards
how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing
“Expecto me to be there”
Harry Potter RSVPing to a party