@SpenceDen

I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.

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@ClichedOut

Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.

Me: I wish for unlimited genies.

Genie: Son of a

@JaySuch

My son asked me why girls pee sitting down. I told them they’re lazy.

@patnspankme

Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?

@eric10F

“will you be paying with cash or credit?”
“Cash” *start playing “ring of fire” on my kazoo
*gets tackled by security*

@djdarrellripley

It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…

@markhoppus

Me: A 3-hour movie?! Who does that?!
Also me: I will now watch all 13 hours of this tv series in one sitting.

@vindytalks

A Video no one needed, but since I miss saying these things, here is what Product Managers actually do.
Ask & say a bunch of random things to sound smart.

Hope I get hired for my honesty at least if not for my skills đŸ˜€

@TheTweetOfGod

Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.

@OhNoSheTwitnt

Me: I should sleep.

Brain: No we must stay on Twitter and correct everyone erroneously identifying a beluga as a dolphin in a meme.