I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi
You Might Also Like
Britain be like
“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application
Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.
Love this joke:
Apparently one of the symptoms of COVID-19 is having no taste. Looking back on all my exes, I think I’ve been infected for years!
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
if you call football “soccer” in front of the wrong person, they will throw themselves on the ground, dramatically, hoping a referee will hold up a little card that makes you go away
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.
mom asked me how I felt about her dating a younger guy, and I told her “just make sure u raise him right” and now she’s taking me out of her will
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
Me: I need a “personal massager”
Hitachi: No problem, here’s our Magic Wand. Anything else?
Me: You wouldn’t happen to know where I can get a 20-ton industrial crawler excavator would you?
Hitachi: You’re not gonna believe this
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
They should make statues of regular people. Like you’re walking through the park and there’s a statue of your friend Jeff
Motherhood is like being a fireman putting out fires but everyone is shouting out how you’re doing it wrong and criticizing your sweatpants.
genie: u have three wishes, but u can’t make someone love u
me: random rule but ok
genie: seriously don’t even try
me: ok i won’t
genie:
me:
genie: *crying* trust me it doesn’t work
“I don’t think being an only child affected me at all.”
I say, as I straighten my tiara, whilst eating the last cookie.
hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive
4-year-old: How many push-ups can you do?
Me: A million.
4: Then why did your arms shake on the first one?
Me: Must’ve been an earthquake
A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.
Why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
My grandad used to swear by refrigerators. And televisions. In fact, he was probably the most foul-mouthed member of staff Comet ever had.
What’s the opposite of mentos?
Lady fingers.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.
if swimming is really exercise then why dont fish have mega muscles. yeah i thought so. drain the pool so we can skateboard in it
[Blue whale documentary]
This monster can eat 40 million fish in a day.Whale looking directly into the camera: Yeah I’m kind of a foodie.
An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.
[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]
cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children
My husband doesn’t think our family will eat a 5 pound bag of cheese and I’ve never been so determined to prove him wrong.
Told my daughter it’s against the law to play April Fool’s Day pranks on parents so everyone back me up on this