I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi
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absolutely crushed dolphin wordle
Whenever I put on makeup, I do a sign of the cross on my forehead with my foundation and I’ll tell myself “Bless this mess.”
Was glad my kids didn’t scream for me to come deal with the bug but also concerned when they named him Jerry before they killed it.
ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?
WIFE: Two!
ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm
These are my roll models.
Revenge is sweet I whisper to myself as I use the guest towels.
Didn’t think my children listened at all but my 3yo shouted from the back seat, “these people don’t know how to drive!” so now I know he listens to his Dad.
TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future
ME: Really? Who wins the election?
TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace
ME: You need to be more specific
Welcome to your 40’s. Squinting’s not helping anymore. Now you have to take pics of the products you want to buy, then enlarge them to read their composition.
I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.
Every time i tell people i want to be a comedian they laugh. See, im that good!!
Boss: You’re not fired but we’re taking away all your responsibilities.
Me: Cool, a promotion!
Boss: No–
Me: Sounds like a promotion to me.
My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?
I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.
It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.
My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.
You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.
My toddler was crying because she couldn’t be in the same room as my husband when he was in a work meeting. In an effort to console her, my 10-year-old told her one day she’ll also get to do work meetings. This, rightfully so, made her cry harder.
When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.
It took me three decades to become an overnight success.
Alexa: remind me to feed the baby
Me to pregnant friend: Instead of practicing on a doll, I recommend you try to bathe, diaper, and swaddle a cat.
Friend: [exaggerated eye roll]
***6 months later***
Friend: Why didn’t anyone prepare me for reality?
Me: … [whispers] meow.
No one girl should have all that power. 😂
Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing
“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”
A man was arrested on Brighton beach today for throwing pebbles at the sea birds.
He was accused of having left no tern unstoned.
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(人__つ_つ
Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*