I carry tumbleweed so I can let it roll across the floor during awkward silences.
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911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight.
911: How did he die?
Me: It must’ve been something I said.
Men don’t even appreciate a good bra & panty set. “TAkE tHeSe OfF” did you even look at it 🥺😒
Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!
Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.
[1st date]
Him: This is fun
Me: It is
Him: The last girl I went on a date with was the craziest person I’ve ever met
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby
It’s possible to eat 7 and a half Tillamook cheese snack portions before you feel sick. Someone had to find out for the rest of you.
What’s the difference between a bowl of wilted lettuce and a depressing song?
One is a bad salad and the other is a sad ballad.
Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”
guy in a zombie apocalypse who just keeps saying “the zombies are more afraid of us than we are of them” and stands up tall and waves his arms around and yells at them and he turns out to be 100% right
The bank refused to approve my loan without collateral so I reached into my purse and pulled out three avocados.
*Cooks dinner for family*
Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm
If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
Me: I love you!
Girlfriend: Is that you, or the vodka talking?
Me: It’s me…talking to the vodka.
My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.
To some, it’s known as “soda.” Some call it “pop.” Some even order it as “coke” or “cola.” The spicy bubble brown juice goes by many names
9: if a cigar is just made from a plant then why can’t kids have them?
me: I’m just trying to drink my morning coffee man.
I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah
Prepare to receive the horse that you deserve
@funTweeters Oh, wow! Thank you for adopting me into this incredible family of hilarity! Proud to be in such admirable company. 😊🙌🎉
Me: I love you so much, you know that?
Toddler: *slaps me in the face*
I just saw a woman push 5 little kids in a shopping cart out of Walmart. I didn’t realize that you could get them in bulk now.
I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”
Legend states that when you’re in the middle of an existential crisis, a child will appear to cry about their sibling looking at them the wrong way
*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*