I carry tumbleweed so I can let it roll across the floor during awkward silences.
You Might Also Like
You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.
[cats at shelter]
Where’s Frank?
“Got adopted 3 weeks ago. Gone soft too. Healthcare plan. Hypoallergenic blanket. Goes by Mr. Boots now.”
Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco
ENGLAND: people are CROSSING OUR BORDERS for ECONOMIC ADVANCEMENT!!!
THE ENTIRE GODDAMNED WORLD FROM LIKE 1583 to 1997: u don’t say
My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.
ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask
Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.
Luckily the injuries were only super fish oil.
#HatDadJoke
I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.
My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
Me: sandwich for lunch?
6yo: noooo!!!
Me: how about salami, tomatoes, cheese & bread?
6: YES!!I win.
Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open
moisten thyself and wait for me in the westernmost grunting shed
My husband and I are having a Fitbit competition, so every day when he leaves for work I attach mine to our dog. I’m averaging 25,438 steps a day.
Cop: We found a decapitated body in the bay. Looks like he was attacked by a shark.
Chief: Did you get his name?
Cop: Sharks don’t have names, Chief.
Time traveler me to 10-year-old me: You know Charles from Charles in Charge? One day he will block you from contacting him.
Little me: Wow. Does that mean I’ll be famous or crazy?
Future me: Both and neither. We’re all as famous as he is and a little bit crazy in the future.
“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”
“No sun.”
parents: you are what you eat
kids:
My 16 yr old has a mandatory sophomore Catholic school retreat that lasts 24 hours. No phones allowed. His argument against going, “I just can’t.”
Me, “It’s tradition. Even I did it. All your siblings did it. Nothing can stop it. Absolutely nothing. Period.”Coronavirus: LOL.
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
Whoa 😂
Me: you seem disappointed
Dracula: *holding a bloody Mary* it’s fine, I’m fine
for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies
The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.
Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.
[first day as a pharmacist]
Customer: do you have any cold medicine?
Me: *looks around* I think they’re all room temperature
Me: I love these lazy Sundays.
Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!
A Guy Doing Push Ups ‘One.. Two.. Three..’
*A Girl Passes by..*
Guy: “82.. 83.. 84..”