i catch her eye from across the room
she smiles
i make my way thru the crowd
we meet
“hi”
hi
“here’s your eye back”
thanks nice catch
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[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken
how long are you supposed to age potato salad in the sun?
So I guess pigeons are actually wealthy: “Racing pigeon sells for record $1.9 million after frantic bidding war.”
2 atoms of helium acting funny ~ HeHe
You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside
Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.
The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.
[Veterans Hospital]
GRAMPS {waking from 72 year coma caused by D-Day head injury}: Did we beat the Nazis?
ME: Haha, well…interesting story
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…
Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.
You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex
My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: What kind of body do you want to have?
ME: *leans in close* I’d prefer human
The purpose of twitter is to gain enough followers that you can post something like “eating a burger” and have 40 people reply saying hell yea
What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.
Damn boy! What’s your zodiac sign? Bc I think we should make that Sagittariuu into SagittariUS
Oh you’re a Leo? Le OH ..where are you going?
[Diner]
Waitress: Cops, and kids 5 and under eat for free
*me, discreetly nudging my 6 year-old*
my 6 year-old: im a police
My son said a bunch of disparaging things about Billy Joel and now he sleeps outside in a tent. That’ll learn him.
They should have a surrealist SAT, with questions like:
A train departs the South Pole at sunflower AM while a submarine swallows a cormorant’s wings. Where will they meet?
A new report claims 90% of fish could be wiped out in a mass extinction. On the plus side – it will make it much easier to find Nemo.
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym
Luke: Lightsabers cut through anything.
Ninja: So does a samurai sword.
L: But does it make a cool noise?
N: *cuts off Luke’s other hand*
At the grocery store some old lady seemed like she was hitting on me. Turns out we went to school together.
The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running
This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available
Does anyone ever finish a jar of Vaseline? I’m still working on the one my great-grandpa passed down to me.
I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops