i catch her eye from across the room
she smiles
i make my way thru the crowd
we meet
“hi”
hi
“here’s your eye back”
thanks nice catch
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Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right
ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u
I “accidentally” made a double batch of cookie dough and then somehow ran out of room in the freezer so I was forced to bake it all at which point I discovered that I have no available Tupperware so I had to eat 50 cookies.
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
[getting mugged]
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us
I think tomorrow I’m going to respond to everyone using only lyrics from songs by The Dead Deads. Wish me some luck at the DMV.
Had my mom call me to get out of a meeting, but now I’m stuck in a call with my mom
I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter
Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.
“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.
added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.
“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.
“I just called to say I love you.”
-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
Always a massive red flag than when a guy lists “The Art of War” as one of his favorite books. It’s like, you’re an accountant, Brent, you’re not Tyrion Lannister
Wife: I didn’t buy the shirt because it was too crepey
Me: Creepy?
W: Crepey
M: Crappy?
W: Crepey!
M: Oh, okay…
W: You have no idea, do you?
You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.
Emotions? No thanks. I’m trying to cut down.
*Texts*
Can I come over bae?
I need you. <3*Gets reply text*
DUDE, STOP CALLING ME THAT. I’M YOUR DEALER NOT YOUR BAE. BRING CA$H!
Her: “My baby paints with her food because she’s artistic.”
Me: “That or your baby paints with her food because she’s a goddamn baby.”
Me: Hey Alexa-
Alexa: OMG WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza?
british guy: tea
british waiter: jolly good choice
[both laugh britishingly]
Meghan Markle: breathes
Press: Meghan Markle wages war on global oxygen supply by hoarding depleting resources within her lungs.
*pets your eyebrows*
there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok
If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.
The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you