I caught a cute guy salivating and giving me sexy eyes at the restaurant today and I was growling and giving him kissy faces but it turns out he was eyeing the waitress behind me who was bringing out his food and so to save face I dropped to the floor and faked a seizure.
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I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.
Interviewer: It says on your resume “attention to detail”
Me: Uh huh.
Interviewer: And right below that it says “attention to detail”
I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday
Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.
After looking at pics from before my 7yr old was born she said “You’re really not as young and pretty anymore but I like how you look now because you look like my mom.”
* I mean aww sweet but also hello back handed compliment. This girl is fierce.
That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.
Puns make me numb but math puns make me number.
I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
wife: Feeling better?
me: Yeah
wife: Kind of overreacted to a cold didn’t you?
[flashback to me calling the Make-A-Wish Foundation]
me: No
I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.
Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
I don’t want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That’s it…. I’m done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.
Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.
Scientists report global context shortage. “I guess I’ll have flan,” some scientist said, totally out of context.
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
Kids got me a t-shirt 2 sizes too small and made me a big breakfast this morning. So yes I now know what it’s like to take off a sports bra
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White t-shirt: lol same.
[lips on a snake]
WIFE: what are you doing?
ME: getting rid of the poison
WIFE: you’re supposed to suck your own bite
SNAKE: leave him alone
Friend: Ugh, this is going to cost an arm & a leg.
Me: *pats backpack* I’ve got you covered. The hospitals just throw these things out.
Who called it asking the waiter about the specials and not retrieving data from the server
Pan Left To Soak Now Predates All Current Roommates
When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.
Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.
*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!
I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.
just think, if you hadn’t had kids to tell you otherwise you might still be walking around thinking you were cool. lol how embarrassing would that be
Her: It’s disgusting how many dirty habits you have.
Me: THE NUNS PAY ME GOOD MONEY TO DO THIER LAUNDRY OK???