rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
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My 4yo wanted to show me how she’d put her little brother to bed. When we opened his door, he was up playing with toys. She cried NO YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO STAY IN BED and my oh my, how the tables have turned
You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.
a dog shows up to play basketball. but the rulebook never says dogs can’t play. i get it. thats a normal thing to not see coming. but then that same dog plays football, soccer, baseball. time to codify the good faith bipeds only policy, right?
no! they let his kids be ASTRONAUTS
My mom once called me at 3am to tell me some long lost relative died and hung up on me when I asked if they’d still be dead at 8am.
Me: okay I have pizza, wings, nacho dip, mozza…
Him: hell yes, Super Bowl Sunday!
Me *mouth full of food*: uper ol wat?
Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.
[Dating in 2009]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: I’m calling the police.[Dating in 2019]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: Oh my gosh, how do you pick just one, right? Hahaha!
I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work
Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.
* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.
Friend: Can I borrow a hair band?
Me: *retrieving Bon Jovi from the basement* Please have them home by 9.
Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.
88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.
My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.
i’m gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time
sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck
I have a new favorite conspiracy theory
POLICE: [on bullhorn] PLEASE COME DOWN, EVERYTHING’S FINE
ME: [yelling down from ledge] ARE YOU SERIOUS HAVE YOU WATCHED THE NEWS AT ALL
Me: I brought you some bird seed.
Rad Pigeon: Coo’
MEET ME AT THE PLACE NEXT TO THE THING GO NOW DO NOT ASK ANY QUESTIONS
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
Ghost of Caesar: and what of my legacy? what now bares my name? Buildings? Mountains?
Me:uhh remember how you used to love romaine lettuce?
Anakin: Want to go out?
Padmé: Ew. You’re 9.
Anakin:
Padmé: Talk to me in a decade when the age gap between us is exactly the same.
6y/o: I don’t want to be a hunter when I grow up. I don’t want to kill animals anymore.
Me: ANYMORE!? *googling serial killer warning signs*
Welcome to Hypochondriac Club. First- oh, Kim looks a bit pale. Kim you shouldn’t have come if you’re sick. Now I feel pale do I look pale
lmao at snakes that think they are “hiding” in a patch of grass. i see u, sweetie. i am only pretending 2 be surprised
She asked me to go deeper so I started quoting Nietzsche
WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?
ME: *climbing in* I can try
Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself
Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself
Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide
Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.