I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.
I caught my employee sleeping on my office couch today. I didn’t know if I should fire him, or tell him what I did on it last night.
You Might Also Like
Wife: can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: ok that’s low, Sharon
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.
I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.
I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!
If by ‘paleontologist’ you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist.
Nice try, horror movies, but the scariest thing I’ve ever seen is still a 4-year-old holding a sharpie without the cap.
INTERVIEWER: Any questions for me?
ME: How do I access the WIFI?
INTERVIEWER: I meant about the job
ME: Is that all capital?
Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.
Me: I wish for unlimited genies.
Genie: Son of a
*dies and gets to hell*
I really thought I’d lived a good life.
*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*
Oh yeah. Fair enough.