I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.
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cop: [pointing at me] he with you?
him: never seen him before
me: [welling up] what the hell Jerry we literally just robbed a bank together
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.
Me: Why the fake mustache and hat?
Wife: Your text.
M: Huh?
W: It said you wanted to try some “Burt stuff”.
M: Um, Honey-
W: Call me Bandit.
asking santa clause for nudes
there are no buff wizards in Harry Potter, no gym in Hogwarts, no-one does a push-up at any point. I could crack Ron Weasley’s spine like a glowstick
Damn girl, are you a maple tree? Cause I would tap that, and you have an impressive root structure which is where this metaphor falls apart.
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
Me: What’s the first step of fire safety?
4-year-old: Stay away from dragons.
Me:
4:
Me: Well, obviously.
me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”
4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.
Me: How do you know?
4: I licked it.
Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!
stand with me against insufficient seating
If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
“OMG! We broke up years ago. Which was, like, 100% your choice. And I’m still the first thing you talk about. To. Like. Everyone.”
— Gluten
(at a party)
them: truth or dare.
me: dare.
them: go home.
[at interview]
INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?
ME: Peter Piper.
INTERVIEWER: What does he do?
ME: It’s difficult to say.
If my partner didn’t want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I’d respect his wishes and take them off.
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!
Me: oh cool what are they?
Grandma:
I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.
BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.
Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.
sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations
My favorite question is “are you a real person?” and the answer is no. I’m a sewer rat who discovered an old iphone and is now using it for nefarious purposes. Hope that settles that.
Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
I hate all this sex on the TV
I keep falling off.
Me: Could I trouble you for a knife?
Waiter, knowing that all they have is 10,000 spoons: I have some inexplicably bad news.