I caught my nephew doing drugs with me last night.
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Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.
I can’t make it tonight. There’s a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.
Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be
Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them
Athena: interesting
Medusa: why
Athena:
Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that
In Canada they just call them geese
You’re on your deathbed. You gather the strength to utter your last words “Boxers with pockets,” you say. “You’ll never have to wear pants.”
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video
me: how much for the cow bras?
salesperson: those are gloves
“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.
I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.
[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*
We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around
His arrival was foretold in the ancient murals.
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!
When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”
9: What did that message on the TV say
Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen
9: How do they know what size TV we have?
My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.
Sometimes I pretend I’m picking up lunch for the office even tho the KFC workers can clearly see me eating that bucket in their parking lot.
Biden: I took a Staples red button & wrote “Nukes” on it
Obama: Joe!
Biden: Tweets to him in Russian when pressed
Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
[Donald Trump’s election speech]
“America, I have only 1 thing to say”
*pulls off wig & mask revealing Ashton Kutcher*
“YOU’VE BEEN PUNK’D”
Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?
Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger
If you try to rip somebody’s head off, I suggest you train for it first. If you don’t succeed it makes the following few minutes awkward.
Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.
business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves
Barber: Snip snip snip snip snip.
Me: What are you doing?
Barber: I’ve lost my scissors and I was hoping I could trick you into thinking I was cutting your hair by saying snip.
Me: I can see you in the mirror.
Here’s my plan. I infiltrate a therapist networking group on Facebook. I ask questions about “my client” to gather their advice. There is no client. It’s me in a cheap wig. I get free therapy from 468 professionals. I fix myself. Then I start a podcast.
game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]
I am patiently waiting for your email
my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”
Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.