I caught my nephew doing drugs with me last night.
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Me: Sound the drums of war!!
My kids: *rhythmically drumming their stomachs*
*we enter the buffet*
Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.
I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.
I once banged the Michelin Man…it was tiresome
Me before a guy comes over: I have to clean my entire home. Every room must be immaculate. Even the rooms we are unlikely to occupy need to be spotless
Guy: if I see so much as a speck of dust I will not have sex with this person
Industrial strength nuclear powered leaf blowers make relocating your neighbors a snap. Just power it up and watch them roll away like human tumbleweeds.
‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.
Me: What should I do if someone breaks in while you’re at work?
Him: Give him a slice of that meatloaf you made last night, and I’ll bury him when I get home.
The doc was like “…..Some of these sinus medicines will make you very drowsy, which is fine. Nap whenever you can.” & I was like “Don’t threaten me with a good time.”
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked
Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.
Date: so you were married twice before?
Me: yes
Date: any kids
Me: no they were both adults
When the sour cream you forgot about in the back of the fridge growls at you, that means it’s went bad, right?
I’ve had a stressful day and writing a scathing email to the pork and bean company wasn’t on my list of things to do but here I am.
A British person will be slightly insulted by someone, not say anything, nurture a lingering resentment, patiently bide their time, and eventually, in an unrelated conversation with the person years later, will remark, “that’s typical of you.” Usually across a dining table.
Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Jennifer? Most people love it.
If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.
Sad news for all of us remembering Princess Diana’s death 25 years ago today, and also for any girls born on that day who are now too old for Leonardo DiCaprio.
*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*
Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
Me: I can’t believe it’s not butter!!
Wife: Well, that’s suntan lotion so I don’t know why you’re surprised
Me: *continues eating
marvel comics have peaked
I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.
My husband surprised me by taking the day off. I guess today is the day he finds out we’ve actually had a cleaning company for the last 5 years.
a nightmare where I’m performing disney on ice – but I don’t know how to do it, so I panic and just fireman-carry my partner around the arena for the entire seven and a half minute song, serenaded by the boos of furious children
Wanna delight in the fact that you’ve been tricking the kids by using white instead of black pepper so they won’t complain that dinner is “too spicy”?
THEN DON’T TELL YOUR HUSBAND WHAT YOU DID!
Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?
“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”
I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?