I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.
So I had to ground him.
He’s doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly …
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pilot: ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. we have just reached our cruising altitude of 15,000 feet
guy with massive foot fetish: *visibly sweating*
I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.
Not me once again breaking something in the house that I’ve repeatedly warned my children to be careful with
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
Stop, drop, and roll but for flame wars:
Stop – and think about it, you don’t even know this angry person.
Drop – your ego, and just go with it. You think I’m trash? Neat. Thanks.
Roll – away from any further discussion by muting or blocking
The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.
Therapist: healing isn’t linear
Me: what if I pay extra?
THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?
ME: ew, why you so jelly?
I ordered some fitted sheets that have U.S. road maps on them. Now I’ll have two reasons why I can’t fold them.
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats
My son told me he came downstairs after we tucked him in last night and he heard “gorilla sounds” coming from our bedroom. I never thought we’d have ‘the talk’ this soon, but I sat him down and told him about irritable bowel syndrome.
I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.
[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your houseme: I’m at the supermarket
murderer: ok
me: I’ll be there in 10
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”
Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.
Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash
Post nuclear war:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishment remains.My refrigerator after a 14 year old boy comes home from school:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishm—
8yo: Daddy, I wrote a short story called Attack of the Killer Kittens.
me: oh wow ok…
8yo: Mommy is the superhero who makes all the kittens be good instead of evil.
me: nice, what about me?
8yo: you get eaten.
Interviewer: What skills do you have?
Me: Mind control
Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB
I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 😭
My 5 yo just told me she decided she will only have 2 kids, because “having 4 kids like you did is annoying Mommy”
………. she’s my 3rd kid.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [starts testing all the smoke detectors]
I got up and made the bed today like someone who wasn’t going to get right back in and take a nap
4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”
I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very, very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home…….
Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?
I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.
[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]
me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down