VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
I caught my son wiping his boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.
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Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.
Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.
Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.
Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?
You young couples with your dogs, your trial children, you’ll learn nothing about parenting because you can never teach a toddler to “sit”.
Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill
My ex husbands Voicemail was a trick one where he’d say “Hello Hello, so you think he’d answered and that’s why he’s dead.
ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?
WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao
The Grapes of Wrath 2: The Raisins of Revenge
[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that