@TheCiscoKidder

I caught my son wiping his boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.

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@ParentNormal

VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year

@mjkspeaks

Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.

@the_rock_chic

Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.

@UncleDuke1969

Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.

Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?

@Henry_3k

You young couples with your dogs, your trial children, you’ll learn nothing about parenting because you can never teach a toddler to “sit”.

@ShalyahEvans

Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill

@THEDUTHCHESS

My ex husbands Voicemail was a trick one where he’d say “Hello Hello, so you think he’d answered and that’s why he’s dead.

@sofarrsogud

ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?

WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao

@david8hughes

[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that