Someday, I wish Twitter will come up with a new & useful feature for once, like a sarcasm indicator for the ones who never get it.
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You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
Satan: it’s just… people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul
Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.
#rubbishjokes
A German arriving at Orly airport in Paris.Customs officer: Occupation?
German: Nein, just visiting.
I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.
7yo: Is that you in the picture?
Me: Yes. Isn’t it fun looking at old pictures?
9yo: You look different.
7: Yes, your face was skinnier.
9: Your hair looks way better in the picture.
Me: That’s enough fun for one day.
Why he land on that little girl like that☠️
The Real Housewives of Sesame Street
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Oh Lord Hashtag Lol
Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve bacteria here.”
And the bacteria says, “But we work here. We’re staph.”
Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.
I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?
Not my mom telling me she still talk to my ex because I still talk to her ex… Mam that’s my DAD
I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless
Why did humans stop making constellations? What’s stopping us from pointing at a pattern of stars and going “that’s Cher.”
I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.
If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.
singer at concert: *says name of city we’re in*
me: that’s the name of the city we’re in!
friend: it is good to hear the name of our city!
[sips martini] *sigh* [sips margarita] Now THIS ONE is delicious!
Waiter: Ma’am, you can’t try drinks on other tables. Please sit down.
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
[First Date]
I’ll have a turkey burger. No bun, please.
[Second Date]
*just goes straight up Pac-Man on the basket of garlic rolls*
Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself
My tattoos aren’t braille, so do not sneak up to me & begin to feel them.
Unless you’re hot, then you get the secret taste option.
Hit my coworker with “you’re a lucky man” after I saw a picture of his wife just to let him know that I want to sleep with her
woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy
also me: lady i’m doing my best
*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…
Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner
[narrating a commercial for therapy]
“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”