BRAIN: here comes a compliment guys
HEART: yay!
ANXIETY: idk about this
INSECURITY: [bats it away] close one
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quarantine day 1: filet mignon with bordelaise sauce, charred asparagus and roasted garlic fingering potatoes
quarantine day 5: entire bag of stale marshmallows
quarantine day 7: tequila
Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized
It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.
*takes off sunglasses*
Oh.
Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.
[answers phone during date]
hi mom, no it’s not a bad time. breeding hips? yeah I’d say so. yes I ate all my salad
AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car
Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.
Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.
Jehovah’s fitness.
I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.
The ladies call me Space Mountain…
…cause I’m a 5 hour wait and a 3 minute ride.
Wooooohhhhooooo!!!
superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early
man: is that a bird?
Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.
They think they may have found Amelia Earhart’s plane. Gosh, I hope she’s alright.
If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.
I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.
Me: I think you should have a long bath tonight
Son: but we’ve only a got a regular-sized one
Me: I’ve never been prouder of you
My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.
Not sure of the logistics yet on how to include this in my last will & testament, but I’d like to stage a “coffin flop” for my funeral
Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?
Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.
My new way of torturing someone is the pay a giraffe to show up outside and knock their window at 3 am and no one will ever believe them that a giraffe is stalking them. Sure, Tim. A giraffe was outside your house in the middle of Ohio. That’s totally believable🙄
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.
*rage dresses
*rage stomps down stairs
*rage closes neighbors banging garbage can lid flapping in wind
*rage stomps upstairs
*rage undresses
Hand 2 toddlers a poisoned cookie and tell them not to eat it, then leave for a day. Some would call that stupid. The Bible calls it Genesis
I’m not saying I’m the best husband, but I did perfectly time placing my dirty dish in the sink just as my wife was finishing up washing the dishes.
That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.
All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.