*wakes up before alarm goes off*
please be 5am please be 5am
2:34pm, februrary 25, 2054. NOOOOOOOOO
I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.
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ME: I’m here for my test results
[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]
DR: I have some bad news…
“911? Yes I need to report an incident”
“What is it mam?”
“THIS. GIRL. IS. ON. FIRE!”
“Getting real tired of this crap, Alicia.”
Him: You are a souless ginger.
Me: Far from it. I’ve collected hundreds of souls. I keep them in an ancient wooden box.
Me: If they make too much noise at night I squirt them with the water bottle.
Him: *nervous laugh*
college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.
Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler.
Me: …I thought her arm was on fire.
Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.
This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!
When there are only 6 slices of pizza left and it seems kind of silly to wrap them up and put them in the fridge so you go ahead and finish them
Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.