I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.
You Might Also Like
I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.
The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me:
[joyriding in stolen Lamborghini]
HER: No way this thing does 150.
ME: Only one way to find out…
[pulls over & checks wikipedia]
If I win the lottery I’m gonna run political style ads about my neighbor
JERRY THINKS IT’S OK TO PARK A CAR ON THE GRASS AND HE DRINKS CHEAP BEER FROM A SHOE
“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
Telling a woman to get back in the kitchen is a weird insult to lob on Twitter. We can still tweet from kitchens. We have wifi & data plans.
Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?
Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word
Mission Impossible…😂😎🐒
My 4yo pretended she was a hired cleaner yesterday as. As she helped me clean she asked if I had any kids. After telling her about my 2 I asked if she had any of her own. Turns out she has 5 kids and has been married to a man named Carlin for 30 years. You think you know someone.
I’m not crazy, I’m just mentally spicy.
Me: haha should I get out and push
Everyone on The Submarine: YES
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.
Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.
Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues
Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*
Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.
Got kicked out of church again for laughing every time they say b-holed.
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!
How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications:
1) Open Facebook app
2) Go to Settings
3) Throw your phone into a river
[first date]
me: they know me here
date: *reading sign on wall* “No Puppetry”?
me (proudly): I’m the reason they have that
Bread:
-Good
-Tasty
-Has not yelled at me
-Is bread
-Can be eaten
-Might sing (unconfirmed)
-Only contains more bread within (confirmed)
-Does not treat me differently just because I am not bread
-Has never attacked me
-Is not something bad like falling over or never eating bread
My kids are playing cowboys and Indians. One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support.
Me: I’m updating my fitness app. Is bowling a sport?
Him: You didn’t bowl. You kept score.
Me: Is score-keeping for bowling a sport?
[Town Meeting]
Criminal Profiler: Everything we know about the killer suggests that it’s a male, unable to resist even the smallest of provocations, and that he does a pretty mediocre impression of Frasier
Me: [Stood at the back] Mediocre? How dare you! I AM WOUNDED!
Optional boss fight.
[Leaving office]
BOSS: I’m gonna work on my car this weekendME: Wow *shakes head* you really should consider getting a desk