@Tuna_Lover

I caught two teens smoking pot behind my office. Ten minutes later, my boss caught two teens and myself smoking pot behind my office.

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@SteveSuckington

Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.

@michaelianblack

“Man of Steel” is about a boy learning how to control his alien body. It is a two and a half hour allegory about puberty.

@Michael1979

WARNING: Local youths are challenging passers-by to attempt the world record for how fast a person can climb the oak tree on Pinewick Road. DON’T DO IT. Once you’re up the tree, they steal your bicycle. Also, I don’t think they timed me so I don’t even know if I broke the record

@pleatedjeans

A long time ago a wine expert said ‘it has an okay flavor’ but the guy heard ‘oaky flavor’ & now people want their wine to taste like trees

@IvoryGazelle

[inventing tupperware]

make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti

@ThisLocalHater

Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee and watched at least 45 minutes of archived Ted Bundy trial footage.

@okimstillhungry

Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT ūüôā
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.

@impaulmccoy

Day 5 of quarantine. Alexa and I are no longer speaking to each other.