Netflix and we’ll have to call my ex to get the password.
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MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.
ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.
[meanwhile in ufo]
ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?
DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.
Me: Bedtime in 5 minutes!
8yo: *Begins the single most complicated crafting project of her lifetime thus far*
Me: I bought mini cinnamon rolls
Friend: how many?
Me: I don’t know how, but they’re tiny
Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/
Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!
Me: Choose how you want to die.
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
this tweet changed my entire outlook on life
*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery
[first date]
her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?
me : at our daughter’s piano recital
Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.
My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.
I am not the person I thought I was when I cut that donut in half.
People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing
Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?
Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?
Human: we are an advanced species
A: how do you travel?
H: we light old dinosaurs on fire
me (checkin out at grocery store with 2 rotisserie chickens): hold up *i grab my phone although it didn’t ring* sure i’ll get 1 more chicken
Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
My 4yo is now doing the “I definitely don’t need to go to the toilet” dance
Recipe idea: Add ADDITIONAL cheese to your frozen pizza to make pizza with EXTRA CHEESE! (Ladies, you may pin this on your pinny web thing.)
I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.
Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7
Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle
*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.
How you conduct yourself when using plastic wrap is the real you
I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.
I wouldn’t recommend it.
Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?
Me: I don’t want to talk about it.
Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT
Him: we’re being attacked by a UFO
Me: are they human?
Him: no they’re-
Me [clenches fist]: then they are dancer
My father-in-law has 28 grandchildren and 45 great grandchildren and he has an excel spreadsheet that he refers to regularly so he can remember all their names.
Quarantine Stories: We’ve got every TV channel available to us, but my husband and I would rather watch a fly meeting its demise, as our kitchen spider who we named, “Brad Pitt,” settles down for a meal.