Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.
I caught two teens smoking pot behind my office. Ten minutes later, my boss caught two teens and myself smoking pot behind my office.
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“Man of Steel” is about a boy learning how to control his alien body. It is a two and a half hour allegory about puberty.
WARNING: Local youths are challenging passers-by to attempt the world record for how fast a person can climb the oak tree on Pinewick Road. DON’T DO IT. Once you’re up the tree, they steal your bicycle. Also, I don’t think they timed me so I don’t even know if I broke the record
A long time ago a wine expert said ‘it has an okay flavor’ but the guy heard ‘oaky flavor’ & now people want their wine to taste like trees
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.
Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee and watched at least 45 minutes of archived Ted Bundy trial footage.
Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 🙂
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.
It weirds me out my phone won’t swear. What, is it religious?
Day 5 of quarantine. Alexa and I are no longer speaking to each other.