I mean I’m not getting anywhere by just sitting on it
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Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?
me: well, I am not certain but
Marriage vows are all about “In sickness and in health” but I didn’t know it was ok for my wife to out-jog me by 2 city blocks on our run while she left me behind to catch my breath and eat ice cream alone.
You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.
*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!
I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?
Me: Enough about me, what are some of your interests?
Dinner Date: I love Youtube.
Me: Don’t call me a tube [looks around] you soup face.
Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.
My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.
I hate to admit this but our feelings on certain things really do change as we get older. 10 years ago, I would have preferred to get a new video game instead of an engagement ring but now that I’m older, I would prefer to get a domesticated raccoon instead of an engagement ring.
*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*
Carl: What a cute dog! Does he know any tricks?
Dog: Shut up, Carl
Carl: Wow! How did he learn to talk?
Me: Shut up, Carl
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!
Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
Being a little kid must be so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and your teeth will soon start to fall out.
To increase profits, commercial airlines need to bring back legroom and snacks then start painting the planes really crazy because nobody wants to miss their chance to fly in a giant meatball sub with batwings.
Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.
Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?
No way you’re all at church.
The best way to get a job is to hold the other person’s hand through the interview. If you don’t get hired, no worries. You made a friend.
Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.
Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?
Builder: The developer just called and told us not to install the bidets.
Contractor: What are we supposed to do with all these bidets?
Builder: We’ll just take it bidet by bidet.
Me: I would love to sleep with you
Her: ok I think we’re ready for this
[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]
Stormtrooper 1: You ever think that maybe we’re with the bad guys?
Stormtrooper 2: Nah, lets just head back to the Death St… to the ship.
Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”
I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces
*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one