“I challenge you to a duel!”
“Very well. The weapon?”
“Compliments.”
“A capital choice.”
“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”
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I don’t mean to brag but HR told me no one had ever eaten everyone’s lunch before as a reason to fit their own food in the fridge.
My 6yo carried our Google Home Mini around the house all day asking it question after question to the point where I found it locked in the bathroom crying with a glass of wine.
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit
*I need to eat better*
post donut clarity
My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you
Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
My husband is traveling and my 9yo wants to talk to me about our “sleeping situation” tonight. I’m never getting the bed to myself again, am I?
Love how Gatorade “flavors” are like “icy charge” and “Cascade crash” and “Arctic blitz” instead of things that would even remotely indicate what you’re about to taste
For the baby who has everything
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages
5: daddy can I tell you a secret?
Me: sure thing buddy
5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn’t wash my hands
Friday night plans
*break into plastic surgeon’s office
*put goldfish in the silicone implants
*sneak away undetected
*giggle like a maniac
Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel
had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next
Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’
“Daddy, I was just in the bathroom peeing, nothing else. That’s all, so you don’t need to look.”
– my 6yo, not sounding at all suspicious
Why aren’t you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.
It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.
3 just stopped what she was doing looked at the sky and said ‘something’s coming’ in case you thought you were going to sleep tonight
Driving mom somewhere: 45 min monolog on health troubles of people I never met
Driving dad somewhere: 43 min of silence; 2 min on gas prices
Just googled “insanity” over and over but was expecting different results.
life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not
Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.
[lunch date]
“I’ll have a salad.”
Narrator: Ursula then returns home and eats Fritos, Cool Whip and what appears to be leftover meatloaf.
The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping
FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years