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[5:30 AM alarm goes off]
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: I have to get up in 5 minutes.
Me: Oh, so regular sex then?
My kids have the tuition bills of the children of a much wealthier father.
I’ve eaten about half a case of Skinny Pop this morning. How long does it take to start working?
Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
Lady: he’s so mysterious
Lady2: I wonder what he’s thinking
[Me, just wondering how easy it’d be to convert a nerf gun to fire meatballs]
[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone
Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.
I am so lucky that I can’t tell the difference between a heartfelt compliment and sarcastic disdain. Life is much easier when you’re dumb
Me: I don’t think this is going to work
Wife: I know, I’ve been feeling like that for a long time. We’ll be so much happier with other people
M: I was talking about switching the toilet paper so it rolls under
[2018]
SON: I have the sniffles.
WIFE: Let’s get you to the ER![1986]
ME: I just took half my finger off with the saw!
DAD: Go get the hydrogen peroxide and a stapler.
ME: …
DAD: Grab me a beer on your way.
Age 10: I wanna be a millionaire when I grow up
Age 20: it’d be nice to own a home someday
Age 30: OMG I just found a penny on the ground!
My current body type is like you can sorta tell I workout, but you can also tell that I don’t say no when someone offers me a cookie.
*getting ready for bed*
Me: Oh did you lock the front door?
Burglar: I’ll go check it
Me: Thanks hon
Wife:
The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.
“A UFO was just shot down 5 miles from my house.”
-Everyone on TikTok
her: do carrots help your eyesight
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a bunny with glasses Karen
Murderer: What are you in for?
Her: Licking ice cream.
Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.
I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:
Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate
Being stuck at home for the last 3 months and waiting for FedEx today makes me understand why dogs go nuts when the mailman shows up.
every ghost is a little afraid someone will see them and tell them to start wearing pants again
wife: i wish you’d moan during sex
[later, whilst doing the sex]
me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
Celebrity dumping an ice bucket on himself to raise money? Cute. Humanity dumping an ice cap on itself to raise sea levels? HILARIOUS.
6: Mommy, why is that man wearing his baseball cap backwards?
Me: Because he was alive in the 1990s, sweetheart
I’m so pumped for this water balloon fight that none of my guests know we’re having.
DOCTOR: Are you sexually active?
ME: No.
DOCTOR: Are you at least active?
ME: Also no.
It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.
Sunday