When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you
I change Siri to a man’s voice and now it doesn’t answer any more questions and turns off for hours
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Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.
I don’t want student loan forgiveness, I want student loan revenge
THERAPIST: You’re cured.
THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?
Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut
Our family’s annual tradition, as I put up the tree, everybody gathers around to watch my wife tell me I’m stringing the lights wrong.
This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.
gonna make a bumper sticker for my car that says “MY KID IS SMARTER THAN YOU’RE KID” just to troll the grammar nazis behind me
The two most horrific words on the internet are “Begin Slideshow.”