@weinerdog4life
When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you
@theshamingofjay
I change Siri to a man’s voice and now it doesn’t answer any more questions and turns off for hours
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@weinerdog4life
@Free_the_DJ
Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.
@thecrassceiling
I don’t want student loan forgiveness, I want student loan revenge
@Jake_Vig
THERAPIST: You’re cured.
ME: Really?!?
THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?
@RunOldMan
Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut
@michaelianblack
Our family’s annual tradition, as I put up the tree, everybody gathers around to watch my wife tell me I’m stringing the lights wrong.
@mattgallo123
This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.
@AndyAsAdjective
gonna make a bumper sticker for my car that says “MY KID IS SMARTER THAN YOU’RE KID” just to troll the grammar nazis behind me
@kumailn
The two most horrific words on the internet are “Begin Slideshow.”
@ShoesOvaHoes
Aw damnnn😂😂😂😂😂😂
