My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.
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Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?
something to keep in mind if you’re considering living in a small apartment with multiple cats is that I had to use a lint roller on my FACE this morning
*hands out cups of all purpose flour to marathon runners*
*During sex*
Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.
My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.
They say it takes a village to raise a child, but they never tell me which village or how to reach them.
WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough
dad: i’ve got something special for you.
kid me: wow what is it?
dad: a $2 bill. they don’t make them anymore and the artwork is really-
kid me: oh boy i’m gonna buy two cokes.
2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs
You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.
I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.
I didn’t get a dog for the love and companionship, I got a dog so I would have an excuse to walk around my neighborhood in my pajamas between the hours of 4 am and 7 am
[job interview]
“Tell me a weakness.”
I never finish what I start.
“Care to elaborate?”
*grabbing my stuff* Nah, I gotta get going.
Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.
If Justin Beiber and Rebecca Black were both drowning and you could only save one, would you grab a bite to eat or finish mowing the lawn?
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.
STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET
1) PUT SHEET ON BED
2) FOLD BED
Me: I CAN’T BREATHE
EMT: *checks my pulse*
Me: I’M GONNA DIE
EMT: What happened?
Yoga instructor: He was putting his shoes on
[bar closing time]
Do you wanna come over to my place?
Her (flirtatious af): oh yeah
Ok hold on..
*dials phone*
Mom? Can you pick me up now?
wise man 1:
wise man 2:
wise man 3:
me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts
wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—
me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??
Me: I’m in the thick of a lovely assortment of perimenopausal symptoms; my body now has the ability to go from zero to inferno in a matter of seconds.
Telemarketer: I’ll just go ahead and put you on the do-not-contact list.
Mom: Time to wake updog.
Son: *groggily* What’s updog?
Mom: Just waking you up for school, dog, what’s up wit u?
Dad (from hallway): OWNED
*in the car*
dog: where we going?
me: to the neuter clinic
dog: neuter clinic? you’re nuts!
me: no. your nuts
*pulls the pin on a can of Axe body spray*
*lobs it into your open car window as you drive by*
If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.
as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit
Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!
Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.
Jesus’ Greatest Miracles:
3) Turning water to wine
2) Raising Lazarus
1) Maintaining a milky-white complexion in a desert climate for 33 yrs
*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?
My Grandpa: killed 17 Nazis and singlehandedly saved his entire battalion in WWII
Me: Sits around all day making up stories about my Grandpa