@theshamingofjay

I change Siri to a man’s voice and now it doesn’t answer any more questions and turns off for hours

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@weinerdog4life

When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you

@Free_the_DJ

Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.

@Jake_Vig

THERAPIST: You’re cured.

ME: Really?!?

THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?

@RunOldMan

Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut

@michaelianblack

Our family’s annual tradition, as I put up the tree, everybody gathers around to watch my wife tell me I’m stringing the lights wrong.

@mattgallo123

This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.

@AndyAsAdjective

gonna make a bumper sticker for my car that says “MY KID IS SMARTER THAN YOU’RE KID” just to troll the grammar nazis behind me

@kumailn

The two most horrific words on the internet are “Begin Slideshow.”