Car Salesman: We’ll give you $3,500 on the trade in…
Me: $3,800
Salesman: …but I’m going by Blue Book…
Me: Yeah but there’s at least $300 dollars in change trapped between the seats.
Salesman:
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I weighed myself today,
then I ate the scale.
Yeah I lift. How many reps will it take to get to the bottom of this bag of chips? Let’s find out
✌🏽
Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!
Me: my grandfather was George Washington
Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather
Me: i mean he was okay
When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music” , but when I do it I’m “wasted” and “have to leave the Hardware Store”
When you’re eating chips and dip there’s always the search for the “strong” chip to head into the dip to save the broken, weaker chips dying in the dip.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.
When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔
Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money
I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.
Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it
TOP 10 ANIMAL OPPOSITES
pencilguin
richcupine
legadillo
cantgaroo
dogerpillar
noneigator
stoprilla
goodger
tellthetruthon
uncleeater
*Looks up from phone.
“When did you get home?”Husband: “I’ve been talking to you for the last 15 minutes.”
Just landed my first triple axel tripping over the cat
Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.
It never fails every time my house is a disaster my Mother-in-Law will stop by just because she “saw my car in the driveway.”
I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.
Top advice for résumés: Be VERY careful with placement of dashes.
Ex. – First-hand job experience = good.
First hand-job experience = bad.
I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.
My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.
My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.
Remembering the time I brought a bf to a family thing & he pointed at my uncle & whispered, “That’s my parole officer.”
Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops
I just cleaned my floors. If you need me I’ll be crawling around, picking up every new crumb by hand and grumbling about how my family needs to eat outside for the next 2 days.
I hate when companies are too cheap to hire models & just advertise clothes lying there with nobody in them. Because 9 times out of 10 I click on an outfit I would wear & it’s for toddlers. One time it was a hoodie for a dog?
the admin of this account is now hating mathematicians for developing maths