I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
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TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.
Phantom of the Opera: Oh sure, NOW masks are totally cool.
AVRIL LAVIGNE: he was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it anymore obvious
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST:
Evolution sometimes moves forward due to tiny differences making one species less competitive
For instance T-rex died out bc, lacking selfie sticks, their instagram feeds were less effective
I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs
[Annual Review]
Boss: how do you think you performed this year?
Me: *an accountant* I think I “excelled” at my job.
Boss: you’re fired.
Me: This is such an accrual profession.
If you’re wondering if toddlers are always listening, even though they’re never listening, 2B’s teacher stopped me today to let me know that instead of “thank you” she’s been saying “thanks, babe” for days.
I asked my dad if he could hang a mirror in the bathroom for me but I guess I should have been more specific because he ended up putting it right over the toilet instead. Oh well, my son loves watching himself pee now.
Twitter is where you ask an actual question for help & get nothing but stars yet you tell a joke with a question mark & everybody answers.
Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
Many people told me I would benefit exposing myself to art.
[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?
There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.
My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.
Ooops wrong house😂😜
People will walk away mid-sentence if you click your heels together three times while repeating, “There’s no place like home.”
I’m in pretty decent shape for a dude who was in a serious car accident and spent the last six weeks recovering in a hospital bed. That didn’t happen to me–it’s just a good yardstick for the kind of shape I’m in.
My teen would like you to know I ruined her life when I did her laundry today.
[does his regular grocery shopping]
Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?
Me: ……………….yes.
According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to
(opens door)
Me: Staff meeting soon
CW: GET OUT!
M: Nice carpet
CW: SHUT THE DOOR!
M: Can I borrow some toilet paper? The next stall is out.
Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?
Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.
I shall plucketh thine eyes from ye skull and make kebobs but with bendy straws instead of skewers cuz those are dangerous
law suits: quality garments for lawyers
The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.
8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.
Me: Sounds pretty legit.
Harry Potter Diss Track
Hey Voldemort, yeah I said your name.
You’re a dude in a dress, I’m Hall of Fame.
Avada Kedavra didn’t get the job done.
You got owned by a baby, it’s over I won.
You did kill my parents, it’s true I suppose.
all I can say is where the f*%k is your nose?
To make space in prisons, judges are now sentencing low-risk offenders to pick up a few things at IKEA during the week before college starts
It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad