I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.
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Whenever I utter the word ‘sober’ I wash my mouth out with alcohol.
me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?
therapist: yes help yourself
me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here
I highly recommend anything.
– Stoners.
me as a new nurse trying to help out in a code
Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.
Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?
“Remember those funny tweets about Keith? And, the Chad jokes? Haha! They were great! We should do those again. Right, guys? Guys?”
– Karen
I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.
A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.
Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.
Someone asked me to go for a walk and all I can think of is why does my dog get so excited when I ask him if he wants to go for walk?
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.
Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up
2020: Soooo, you’re feeling pretty good today, huh? Enjoying some down time?
Me: Yeeeaaahhh….why?
2020: How’s your back?
Me: Damn it!
2020: *teehee*
I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.
It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.
Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!
In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.
[Arby’s]
Me: This horsey sauce barely tastes like horse at all
Mgr: *adding horse shavings* Tell me when
*Jesus, bursting out of a chest cavity, spraying the room with blood and viscera*
“My God, Johnny? DID YOU LET CHRIST INTO YOUR HEART?!?”
Weighing up my bread heating options
Neighbor thinks I’m stalking her. Any time she hears a noise she is purified. Petrified!
Sorry, not easy reading a diary thru binoculars.
You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.
Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.
Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.
It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.
The more you know.
[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]
cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children
My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.
Maybe you should trust the CDC on how to handle a pandemic over your cousin Matt who is banned from Denny’s for setting off firecrackers.
Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.
Both my kids are denying ownership of an iPhone charger that they usually fight over. Makes me wonder what crime scene evidence is on it.
I looked up foods that could trigger my acid reflux and decided to embrace the acid reflux.
Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?