@myles_morrison

I changed my wifi name to “14.4k dial up connection” so no one would bother stealing my signal.

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@ForeverHairy

Me: Who wants to go out to dinner and scream and cry and make daddy wish he wore more condoms?

Kids: WE DO! YAY!

@Xoolun

Step 1 Change your wifi password to blowmefirst.

Step 2 Wait for someone to ask for your wifi password.

@ericsshadow

[first date]

HIM: Can I call you sometime?

HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone

@aligarchy

recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left

@ericsshadow

My son asked what it is like to be married, so I deleted all the music on his ipod except 1 song.

@TweetPotato314

her: well don’t just stand there, say something

me: they should make paintbrushes that look like bob ross

her: i said i’m pregnant matt

me: his hair could be the brush part

@KenJennings

Okay, vampires are invisible in mirrors, I totally get that. But, come on, their clothes?!? #science

@tsm560

I was all set to seize the day but this anti-seizure medication is a lot stronger than I thought.

@rantingmd

googling ways to dispose of a body,mostly to freak out the douche behind me who keeps staring at my laptop screen

@useful_wagon

Of course I swallow it’s a basic function of eating. What kind of job interview is this anyway and why are there multiple cameras