My man put me on eBay, that’s right, I got bidnapped
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[date]
HER: Silence of the Lambs is my favorite movie.
ME: Oh me too.
HER: Which part do you like best?
ME: *sweating* Um, when the lambs stop talking.
ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.
I may regret eating so many deviled eggs this weekend, but my family will regret it more.
sometimes work CAN be fun, like reading through a long, complicated email and realizing you have zero responsibility for it so you can immediately forward to the person that does while laughing
The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.
There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”
they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”
Them: I’ll be right back
Me: That’s not necessary
I often wonder who Pete is…
and why we do things for his sake…
“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper
My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.
Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.
“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭
*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death
Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.
If you feed me & have the heat on high, I will fall asleep on you. So to have a much more interesting date with me keep me hungry and cold
Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.
Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.
There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.
If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.
has it occurred to anyone that the reason dinosaurs are extinct is because purple is way to flashy in the wild?
[police station]
LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders
SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine
SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight
Me: *gives a detailed explanation of the law based on 20 years of experience as an attorney*
Female client: My husband said the exact opposite of what you told me.
Me: Where did your husband go to law school?
Client: He didn’t.
Me: So you should probably just do what he says.
“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists
me: sometimes I don’t do dishes for so long I’m completely out of silverware, so when I finally do them I have no reference fork and can’t remember where they go. Despite going in the same place for 5 years.
guy just trying to mug me: did you say “reference fork”?
FRIEND: Nice old house. Is it haunted?
ME: Yup.
FRIEND: Really? By who?
WIFE: [from kitchen] YOU LOADED THE DISHWASHER WRONG.
ME: The ghost of my mother.
FRIEND: Hey can I see your tattoo of a bat?
ME: My what?
FRIEND: Your tattoo.
ME: ?
FRIEND: *Sigh* Your battoo.
ME: Of course!
Police found the neighbourhood paedophile shot in the head 27 times. Authorities ruled it the worst case of suicide in a decade.
Obama sure is waiting until the last minute to take everyone’s guns.
I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.