@PattyArquette

I charge people $5 if they say “It is what it is.”

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@AndyAsAdjective

*gets woken up by a tap on my shoulder*
“Daddy, how do you get yogurt out of the toaster when it’s done toasting?”

@JohnLyonTweets

One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.

@GrantTanaka

[stuck at home]
son: omg so bored
daughter: omg so bored
wife: omg so bored
me: omg so bored
dog: this is the greatest day of my life

@RadWizzy

[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]

“Stop hurting that octopus!”

@TheBoydP

Wife: *asks question*

Me: *gives answer*

Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…

@ItsAndyRyan

Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se

@Douchekevin

Wife said she was ‘retaining water’ and I said I’d wondered who drained the swimming pool.

Been 4 days and I’m still hiding in the attic

@BellPupper

DICKENS: I’ve got writers block… I’ll have a martini, Bob.

BARTENDER: Olive or twist?

DICKENS: *looks into camera*

@meganamram

If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person

@ozzyunc

Don’t give ghosts money. They use it for boos.