I charge people $5 if they say “It is what it is.”

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“I know it doesn’t look good on paper, but hear me out guys, Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na BATMAN!!!!”


me: [trying to pronounce gnocchi] “gnocc gnocc-”
waiter: “who’s there? haha”
me: “this isn’t a joke son”


HER: I’m an animal activist.

ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.


*knocks on woman’s washroom*

Hello anyone in here?

*no one answers*

*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*


*runs away giggling*


What’s a drug lord woman called?

A drug lady?

A heroin heroine?!


my daughter brought home a drawing from preschool today and when i asked enthusiastically “honey, did you draw this???” she replied “someone else did but i took it”


The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.


Me: I work from home.

You: OMG that’s amazing. I want to do that someday! You’re so lucky!

Me: I also live at work.


Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago


willy wonka: it’s a factory, accidents happen

me: ok but your employees sang about it…in detail

willy wonka: lol that was sick righ-

me: there was choreography, it…it rhymed

willy wonka:

me: how did- how could they have prepared