I charge people $5 if they say “It is what it is.”

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*gets woken up by a tap on my shoulder*
“Daddy, how do you get yogurt out of the toaster when it’s done toasting?”


One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.


[stuck at home]
son: omg so bored
daughter: omg so bored
wife: omg so bored
me: omg so bored
dog: this is the greatest day of my life


[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]

“Stop hurting that octopus!”


Wife: *asks question*

Me: *gives answer*

Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…


Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se


Wife said she was ‘retaining water’ and I said I’d wondered who drained the swimming pool.

Been 4 days and I’m still hiding in the attic


DICKENS: I’ve got writers block… I’ll have a martini, Bob.

BARTENDER: Olive or twist?

DICKENS: *looks into camera*


If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person


Don’t give ghosts money. They use it for boos.