*gets woken up by a tap on my shoulder*
“Daddy, how do you get yogurt out of the toaster when it’s done toasting?”
I charge people $5 if they say “It is what it is.”
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One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
[stuck at home]
son: omg so bored
daughter: omg so bored
wife: omg so bored
me: omg so bored
dog: this is the greatest day of my life
[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]
“Stop hurting that octopus!”
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se
Wife said she was ‘retaining water’ and I said I’d wondered who drained the swimming pool.
Been 4 days and I’m still hiding in the attic
DICKENS: I’ve got writers block… I’ll have a martini, Bob.
BARTENDER: Olive or twist?
DICKENS: *looks into camera*
If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person
Don’t give ghosts money. They use it for boos.