I charge people $5 if they say “It is what it is.”
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*goes on strict diet for a month, steps on scale*
i lost 4 lbs, nice
*goes off diet for one day, steps on scale*
the punishment does not fit the crime
When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
[god creating kangaroos]
Let’s make a horse rabbit.
‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work
Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones
How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?
[old couple feeding ducks in the park]
“Nothing could ruin this Edna”
*I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread
*Last Will & Testament
And to my children, I leave this pile of paper scraps with ingredients written on them, but not any measurements or the name of the recipe those ingredients are supposed to make.
i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.
[Date]
Me: how about a drink? get whatever floats your boat
Her: thanks! i’ll have a mai tai
Me: *glaring* you float a boat with water karen
I was 14 before I realized that banana peels and anvils weren’t America’s leading causes of death.
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA ARE HIDING BEHIND THE CORNER. THEY ARE GOING TO JUMP OUT AND TAKE YOUR PHONE, WALLET AND PURSE.
What’s the difference between a a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos,
a sock takes 5 toes.#SockDay #SundayVibes #RubbishJokes
[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen
At the doctor they asked me how tall I was and I said 5’5 (which has been on my drivers license for my entire life) and the nurse said “hmmmmm” then measured and you guys I AM 5’3!! My entire life has been a lie.
I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.
Did you know baby cuddlers are a thing in hospitals? What a great volunteer service, to love on newborn babies. All those new baby smells. I’d do it, but I think they search your purse on the way out.
Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.
Her:
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her:
Me: I’m in trouble.
Her:
Me:Bad?
Her:
Me: Bad
Her:
Me: Toilet seat up bad or wrong name during sex bad?
Her:
Me: Calling a lawyer bad?!
Her (taking out ear buds): Are you talking to me?
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your 3 toppings pizza.
ME: Sorry, I don’t have enough left to tip you.
DELIVERY GUY: Then why didn’t you just order 2 toppings?
ME: *reluctantly hands him the pepperoni*
After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet
I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.
My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it
– me flirting
TV Show Idea:
Speculation news.
A sort of news programme that uses a small amount of information and stretches it out for hours on end with absolutely no further facts other than speculation based on nothing at all, by self appointed experts in unrelated subjects.
Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I think we’ll all still be using mirrors, five years isn’t that far off
saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.
Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.