“I know it doesn’t look good on paper, but hear me out guys, Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na BATMAN!!!!”
I charge people $5 if they say “It is what it is.”
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me: [trying to pronounce gnocchi] “gnocc gnocc-”
waiter: “who’s there? haha”
me: “this isn’t a joke son”
HER: I’m an animal activist.
ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.
*knocks on woman’s washroom*
Hello anyone in here?
*no one answers*
*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*
*runs away giggling*
What’s a drug lord woman called?
A drug lady?
A heroin heroine?!
my daughter brought home a drawing from preschool today and when i asked enthusiastically “honey, did you draw this???” she replied “someone else did but i took it”
The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.
Me: I work from home.
You: OMG that’s amazing. I want to do that someday! You’re so lucky!
Me: I also live at work.
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
willy wonka: it’s a factory, accidents happen
me: ok but your employees sang about it…in detail
willy wonka: lol that was sick righ-
me: there was choreography, it…it rhymed
me: how did- how could they have prepared