Week three of my new job, they’re all cunts.
There’s a weekly team call at 9am every Monday, what’s wrong with these people???
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Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
look, men and women are BIOLOGICALLY different. ever since the cave man times boys have loved cars and girls have loved toy ovens
New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.
Sometimes I think about when I told my 10 year old he could be like me when he grew up because I was trying to be cool and he said YAY, I GET TO LAY ON A HEATING PAD ALL DAY
Not sure what to say when asked about the bruise on my face, because the truth is I walked into the side mirror of my truck.
CUSTOMER SERVICE NEEDED IN THE LIQUOR DEPARTMENT
My husband: please stop yelling that from the couch
I don’t know what Dorothy’s problem was, tornadoes are great means of transportation
At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.
yes yes a thousand times yes!
I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior
when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1
A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.
A man fought off a polar bear yesterday using only his cell phone… it was probably a blackberry. The bear was so disgusted he just left.
Having sex outside isn’t as spontaneous as everyone will have you believe. Carrying the bed out there is time consuming and heavy!
Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone
[first day as a detective]
me: you say the suspect—she’s got legs?
zz top: yes sir
me: and she knows how to use them?
zz top: that’s right
me: *into walkie talkie* bring chun-li in for questioning
I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.
I gave up watching X-Files after realizing Mulder was NOT actually his own alien-abducted sister who was returned as a boy and was suppressing the memory.
When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…
Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.
[first day as a snake charmer]
me: ayy wussup king damn what that tongue do long boi lmao u got room in that wicker basket for two or what
cobra: *striking me several times about the face, neck, and chest*
Yeah. Spring cleaning is going well, thanks.
Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet
[2054: We develop cheap cloning technology]
[2055: Restaurant opens where you can have clones of yourself serve cooked clones of yourself]
Shattner didn’t go to Nimoy’s funeral, and Obama’s been on the phone all weekend with the Vulcan ambassador, trying to smooth things over.
“What’s your name?”
“Sharky.”
“Is that your real name?”
“Does it matter?”
“I guess not.”
*hands me my order*
My kid went to bed before 10pm tonight so I could go to bed early too and clearly something is about to cost me a lot of money.