I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in
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the small neighbor human. stopped by the house after school. i guess they hate a thing called math. and really needed to tell someone. as long as they don’t stop petting me. i am a fabulous listener
Fries, not lies.
Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.
If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.
Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you’ll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.
I told the 8 year old that Taylor Swift is apparently dating a football player and she goes “oh man, she’s gonna write a breakup song about how he was just playing games”
The sequel to The Sound of Music starts with Maria and Capt. Von Trapp, cold and hungry, huddled together in the middle of the Alps making a list of the order in which to eat the children.
date: so what do you do?
me: *recalling how I deface every mesh window covering I see with Sharpie* I’m a screenwriter
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breast milk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
My 10 yr old was hugging the cat, & whispering to him “I love you so much that you’re the 2nd most loved thing in my life.” Aww, I thought, she’s still mama’s little girl. Then she finished her whisper with “But spaghetti is my favorite thing.”
her: my parents are gone 😉
liam neeson: ok when did u see them last
I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.
Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
Why is it no matter how bad you rack yourself physically ppl invariably ask “Are you ok?”
Sure I am. Why I was just thinking this morning my hair would look so much better if it had matted blood in it.
Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.
“We have an idea for a video game. Picture a big gorilla on top of some metal framing hurling barrels at a plumber.”
That could not make any less sense. What’s the gorillas first name
“Donkey”
How does a farmer find new cows to buy?
He looks through the cattlelog.
SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that
There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.
Caveman: I have discovered fire
Village: yayyyyy
Caveman: it’s burning all our stuff
Village: booooo
Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.
My child: Picks cookie with the most icing
Also my child: Won’t eat the cookie unless every bit of extra icing is carefully scraped off
Me: Things are going well. *knocks on wood*
5-year-old: Who’s there?
Me: It’s not a knock knock joke.
5: It’s not a knock knock joke who?
I could be in a store desperately looking for gauze to treat a knife wound and I’d still tell a clerk that approached me I was just browsing
7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.
Her:
*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*winksHim:
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid
Guys, don’t ever tell a girl that she’s yummier than a gummy bear, she’ll know it’s not true because nothing is yummier than a gummy bear.
Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.
My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.
I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.