Next time you’re on a date and someone asks “Is that your boyfriend or your brother?” smile really creepy and whisper “Both”.
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I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.
nothing is certain but death, taxes, and that if anyone criticizes a billionaire online, a bunch of weird little freaks will emerge from the sewer and jump to his defense for some reason
Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.
In the rookiest of moves, at 4:30PM on Christmas Eve, my husband asked what our 5yo what he is most excited to get from Santa tomorrow
SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that
Me: *does activity with the kids*
Kids: mummy this is so boring can we watch tvHusband: *does same activity with the kids the next day*
Kids: THIS IS THE MOST FUN WE’VE EVER HAD IN OUR WHOLE LIVES
Black Friday is the Christian holiday where Jesus rose from the grave at 4am to get in line to purchase a discounted HDTV for his Father.
Meow should be an acceptable answer to any question that can’t be answered with yes or no. For example:
-What’s your favorite colour?
-Meow
Now you’re thinking there isn’t such a colour, but you don’t know all colours, and new colours are born every day, so..
I’m so lazy that I’ll break my tooth trying to get this tag off before I get up and get a scissor.
[parent-teacher conference]
teacher: he’s doing so well, and he’s such a great listen-
me: coolcoolcool no doubt but when do you teach them to stop turning on every light in the house, is that this year or
You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.
Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.
Trying to imagine what it’d take for me to yell at a server. Like if I ordered an omelette and they brought me a bowl of rats? But I’d probably still just be like “I’m sorry, you seem to have brought me someone else’s bowl of rats.”
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m super chill
professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?
me: yeah man
professor x: what?
me: [nodding] yeah
*sprinkles gummy bears on a caesar salad*
You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.
Perfection.
Can you imagine Wolverine falling asleep on Elm Street? Freddie visits, they hit it off and start to put together plans for a mobile turkey carving business
My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.
Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking
I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.
Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.
my favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism
Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
My book group read “Ventriloquism for Dummies” this month. We met in the living room, but it sounded like we were in the kitchen.
Airport Announcer: Please report any unattended items to TSA
Me: *sees random 3-year-old running around*
Me: *slowly reaches for phone*
I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.
i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it
When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.