Me: Daddy’s going out today. So I’ll see you tomorrow.
Mummy: I’m going upstairs to pee.
Kids: NOOOOOO!!! WHYYYYY?!?! AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! THE WORLD IS ENDIIIIIING!!!
I childproofed my house, but they keep getting in.
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Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.
[Going through rubble after a house fire]
Her [holding photo albums]: Totally ruined.
Me [holding slices of bread]: Pretty much toast.
22,110! 22,109! 22,108! 22,107! 22,106! 22,105! 22,104! 22,103! 22,102! 22,101! 22,100! 22,099! 22,098! 22,097! 22,096! 22,095! 22,094!
WIFE: I love the oaky, earthen taste of this wine.
FRIEND: Mine is both crisp and full-bodied.
ME: [corks on my teeth] I am Count Corkula.
ME: do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge while driving my Honda?
BEST BUY EMPLOYEE: a cord?
ME: no, it’s a Civic
*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”
The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.
So this smoke detector is trying to tell me the battery is so dangerously low that it can only beep 4000 times?
Roses are red
Violets are phony
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME