@Cait_Plus_Eight

I childproofed my house, but they keep getting in.

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@DaddingAround

Me: Daddy’s going out today. So I’ll see you tomorrow.

Kids: Okay!
———————————
Mummy: I’m going upstairs to pee.

Kids: NOOOOOO!!! WHYYYYY?!?! AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! THE WORLD IS ENDIIIIIING!!!

@Donna_McCoy

Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.

@cbdoubleu

[Going through rubble after a house fire]

Her [holding photo albums]: Totally ruined.

Me [holding slices of bread]: Pretty much toast.

@meganamram

22,110! 22,109! 22,108! 22,107! 22,106! 22,105! 22,104! 22,103! 22,102! 22,101! 22,100! 22,099! 22,098! 22,097! 22,096! 22,095! 22,094!

@KalvinMacleod

WIFE: I love the oaky, earthen taste of this wine.
FRIEND: Mine is both crisp and full-bodied.
ME: [corks on my teeth] I am Count Corkula.

@daemonic3

ME: do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge while driving my Honda?

BEST BUY EMPLOYEE: a cord?

ME: no, it’s a Civic

@iwearaonesie

*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*

“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”

@Cali_Kid_Mike

So this smoke detector is trying to tell me the battery is so dangerously low that it can only beep 4000 times?

@carlinspace

Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME