It’s 100% legal to give cops the finger. But remember, it’s also apparently 100% legal for them to shoot and kill you.
I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. – Bill Gates
How is it this guy has not hired me yet?
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[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?
Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em
I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.
Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I’m crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I’m listening to the Lion King soundtrack
Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.
I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.
I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions
I’ve never been put in the “friend” zone, but I have been put in the “please don’t tell my friend’s” zone.
I love to give homemade gifts, which one of my kids do you want…
Wife: He’s just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused
Psychiatrist: Is this true?
Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?