@JimMcCue

I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. – Bill Gates
How is it this guy has not hired me yet?

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@thegoodgodabove

It’s 100% legal to give cops the finger. But remember, it’s also apparently 100% legal for them to shoot and kill you.

@AdamBroud

[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?

Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em

@LizHackett

I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.

@SummerRay

Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I’m crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I’m listening to the Lion King soundtrack

@the_rock_chic

Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.

@JermHimselfish

I’ve never been put in the “friend” zone, but I have been put in the “please don’t tell my friend’s” zone.

@lizetagge

I love to give homemade gifts, which one of my kids do you want…

@EndhooS

Wife: He’s just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused
Psychiatrist: Is this true?
Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?