I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. – Bill Gates
How is it this guy has not hired me yet?

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A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.


I just walked into the living room to find my daughter teaching the family cat to play Cards Against Humanity. I think we’ve run out of ways to pass the time.


People say love is the best feeling in the world, but I think finding a toilet when you have diarrhea is better.


gf: i’m breaking up with you.
me: is it my drinking habits?
gf: well it…
me: *interrupts with empty cup straw-sipping noise for 2 minutes*


i wish there were off brand cars like “hey man check out my new Toyoga Dakota”


I spent 5 min. in the dark trying to get my charger in my phone. I’m embarrassed & I feel like I owe some dudes from high school an apology.


How high are you when you try to change lanes during your spin class?


12 dudes escaped jail by writing a fake cell number on an exit with PEANUT BUTTER and the writers of Prison Break are kicking themselves rn


LIFE HACK: At the end of a night out, go to a Domino’s Pizza, order a delivery then catch a ride with the driver. Dinner + transport home!


My dogs are barking a lot lately but I think it is because their performance appraisals are coming up