I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. – Bill Gates
How is it this guy has not hired me yet?
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Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.
Doctor: Can you stick to a clear liquid diet for a few days?
Me: Sure! Vodka is a clear liquid.
Friend: oh my god there’s two of you
My evil clone: I’m the real one, I swear
Me: [remembering I promised I’d go out and socialise tonight] yea she’s right
A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius
Today there was a band-aid on my plate, a bat flew in the house, & a bee stung me. Today was brought to me by the letter B.
Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
the audacity of someone being in the store aisle i want to go down.
restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then
My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.
(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?
“I found a stick… and it comes with a hat!” 😂💛
goldiesglobe
[being interviewed from a lily pad in a fetid bog] I mean, if you think about it who hasn’t lied to a witch at some point?
4: Is the Easter Bunny still coming to our house?
10: Oh I saw on the news he got Coronavirus and Easter is cancelled
Me: (forgot to get Easter eggs) Yup, it’s true
Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift
We’re intellectual opposites.
You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.
I wish all tests were things you peed on
Birthday at 21: Takes 12 different shots from 12 different bars.
Birthday at 37: Takes two different pain relievers because I literally hurt myself sleeping.
The ghost of the little girl who haunts my house was scary at first, but now she mainly just practises her french braids on us while we sleep. I don’t mind. I’m starting to get compliments from my coworkers. The dog has never looked more glam
Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”
God bless the parents who volunteer to coach kids sports because I spent 8 minutes trying to teach just my kid a good batting stance and wanted to torch the whole softball field.
I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.
Sometimes, when I’m doing dishes, I’ll just start flinging them towards the cabinets and get mad when it doesn’t work out like it does in cartoons.
The moon’s water broke. You know what that means?
Baby Moon.
I respect perfume commercials being like we can’t show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.
this is the police, we have u surrounded come out with your hands on ur head, then ur shoulders, okay good now knees and toes knees and toes
Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.
A great tip. #CakeRex
If you say “guess who died?” with a big smile on your face some people get kinda angry.
Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars