‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’
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tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup
[breathing]
“I could do this all day.”
When I saw Oprah interview Michelle Obama, Oprah asked how Michelle got over feeling intimidated sitting at big tables filled with smart, powerful men and Michelle said, “You realize pretty quickly that a lot of them aren’t that smart.” I think about that quote every single day.
*7 talking to my father*
7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?
Her: I always knew I was going to be a mummy. I feel like I’ve been preparing for this my whole life. Is that the same for you?
Me: Well, I gained the baby weight preemptively if that counts?
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything in the house
– cook 3-19 hours on low
Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills
Choose your pet name wisely because you’ll be yelling it out in your neighborhood if you lose them.
*uses falsetto voice*
MR. SMOOCHES!!
Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?
the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling
I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days
We are dating
Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends
[knock on door]
JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
ME (hates gossip): no
So, this is hard to say, but: Worcestershire sauce
Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.
Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance
Emails now be like: I hope you are staying safe, sheltered in place, stocked with toilet paper, and healthy during these absolutely unprecedented, wild, chaotic, terrifying times. Just wanted to follow up-
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
[while laying in the tub for 35 minutes] what about a cologne that smells like cereal?
[adding more hot water to the tub] but what cereal?
The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *straightening his bowtie* a truffle
*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?
7YR OLD: dad, when Bruno Mars sings “so many pretty girls around me & they waking up the rocket,” what’s he mean?
ME: he’s a NASA scientist
[first date]
“Tell me two interesting things about yourself”
well I lie when I’m nervous…
“ok…”
and I invented oatmeal
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
Get in loser we’re going crying
[returning from Damascus]
St Paul: “Friends! Let me tell you all about God’s son, Esus”
Voice from the crowd: “Esus? But I thought-“
St Paul: “The letter “J” doesn’t fall into common usage until the 16th century”
St Ohn: “It’s true”
[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
just got absolutely bodied by a 4 y/o girl on the tube – i gave my gf a kiss on the head and she points and shouts “look! her daddy is giving her kisses!”
I once followed a puppy home on the off chance that I’d forgotten where I actually live and that he was, somehow, my dog.
But, yeah, let me raise two kids.