Cop: we have you surrounded come out with your hands up
Stick Figure: lol
Cop: wait are you surrendering or laughing right now
I choose my underwear for the day based on how likely I am to have sex.
Today I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway.
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You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.
A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
Just saw a guy riding a skateboard, holding a surfboard. Dunno where he’s going but I assume there’s Mountain Dew there.
[tossing a coin into a wishing well]
me: I wish I wasn’t so gullible
I found a voodoo doll covered with pins on my doorstep. Too bad their plan backfired. They used an acupuncture technique and I’m feeling better than ever.
[walking home after date]
Date: it’s getting dark. it’s kinda scary. *winks* you’ll have to protect me
Me: oh don’t worry *i stomp my feet and the bottom of my shoes light up* i got you
love when parents announce the inch length of their newborn like it’s a largemouth bass
“Did it hurt? When you fell from heaven?” “Actually I think it was when you hit me with your car-” “WE GOT AN ANGEL OVER HERE!”