I choose my underwear for the day based on how likely I am to have sex.
Today I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway.
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Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE?
Neighbour: Get out of my house!
Me: You’re not even guessing.
Police Officer: Son I have some terrible news, your father was killed at work today when he fell into the scissor machine.
Dwayne Johnson: *grits teeth* …I will dedicate my life to avenging him!
*walks in on you sitting on the toilet* “Scooch over.”
All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.
JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ
Everybody: Pink starbursts are the best starbursts
Starburst Corporate: What I’m hearing is that the bag should be half yellow starbursts
[Inventing octopus]
God: 8 arms
Angel: okayyyy
G: with suckie things
A: and-
G: Mouth like a parrot, shoots ink
A: wtf
G: …I ate mushrooms
People who tell you to get your kids to help don’t understand how kids work
I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.
The best place on the internet is the reviews of hats for cats because every review is like “5 stars, amazing hat” and then a picture of the cat looking absolutely furious
If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?
I took my 5 year old to the office on Take Your Kid to Work Day.
As we were walking around, she started crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong.
As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘mommy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with??
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
Monogrammed towels are good for when you know how to spell your last name but sometimes get stumped on the first letter
Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.
If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.
me, age 7: I want to be an adult so I can eat as many pickles as I want
me, age 30, eating pickles: haha hell yeah
colleges: i’m going to put you in so much debt you can’t even breathe
also colleges: *teary voice* what do you mean you won’t donate to our alumni fund
ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager
Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.
My BFF is on her second child but I’m on my 3rd tapeworm so I win
Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*
Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.
My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.
WHAT SIGN IS SHE
After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.
My toddler keeps running over and yelling “BOO!” in my face.
It’s totally unnecessary, though. I’ve been completely terrified of him since the day he was born.
it’s creepy that edward cullen never sleeps and spends his nights staring at bella. but what if he’s just stopping spiders crawling into her mouth? now we’re talking
[after sex]
guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time
me: sorry im afraid of the dark