@metickleu

I choose my underwear for the day based on how likely I am to have sex.
Today I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway.

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@fro_vo

Cop: we have you surrounded come out with your hands up
Stick Figure: lol
Cop: wait are you surrendering or laughing right now

@MunkMania

You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.

@envydatropic

A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this

@Shade510

Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.

@ChaseMit

Just saw a guy riding a skateboard, holding a surfboard. Dunno where he’s going but I assume there’s Mountain Dew there.

@humanaaron

[tossing a coin into a wishing well]

me: I wish I wasn’t so gullible

@Lisabug74

I found a voodoo doll covered with pins on my doorstep. Too bad their plan backfired. They used an acupuncture technique and I’m feeling better than ever.

@tiemoose

[walking home after date]

Date: it’s getting dark. it’s kinda scary. *winks* you’ll have to protect me

Me: oh don’t worry *i stomp my feet and the bottom of my shoes light up* i got you

@generalslug

love when parents announce the inch length of their newborn like it’s a largemouth bass

@NickBossRoss

“Did it hurt? When you fell from heaven?” “Actually I think it was when you hit me with your car-” “WE GOT AN ANGEL OVER HERE!”