I choose my underwear for the day based on how likely I am to have sex.
Today I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway.
You Might Also Like
Sheepdog: Here are your 40 sheep.
Farmer: But I own only 36.
Sheepdog: I know. I rounded them up.
I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?
I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.
To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 🥰🥰🥰
If you watch Footloose during the pandemic, the minister who tells everyone not to dance is now the hero.
The “give me your tired, your poor” quote under the statue of liberty makes sense, because that’s the nyc lifestyle. “you’re already broke and exhausted? great. you’ll love it here.”
I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups
donald trump: ILL HAVE THE SUPER SALAD!
waiter: lol no I said soup OR s-
[assistant sliding $100] just bring him a huge bowl of lettuce
Allow me to introduce you to the most ridiculous yet amazing thing you will see this week.
IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit
Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
true crime documentaries are like “this serial killer had to have been a SOPHISTICATED GENIUS! after all, how else could they have outwitted a small-town police department in northern minnesota???”
I told my kids their cash and coins are worthless now because they have the Queen and not King Charles on them.
They cried and cried and I’m up $83.
Customer Service: How does the name appear on your credit card?
Me: If i had to guess, I’d say it’s 11 pt. Arial bold.
why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.
If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.
If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
me: are you checking me out
librarian: yes
Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!
7yo: You can’t say that, you’ll go to hell and turn into a devil!
4yo: And I will still be cooler than you!
Basically.
This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.
Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.
* feels winds of change
* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts
Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you
Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..