i choose….tongue
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We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means
Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time
Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges
Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?
Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell
Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.
People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”
“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.
doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants
me: *taking underpants off my head* fine
I get more offended when my dog doesn’t say hi when I get home than if my kids don’t acknowledge my presence.
The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
guys I’m going home
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
Apparently being a 45 year old man sitting on Santa’s lap demanding the heads of your enemies is just too much for some malls.
Eggs Benedict implies the exsistence of Eggs Cumberbatch
I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…
Eating an expensive steak is good and all but have you ever ordered wings at a classy restaurant, love the look on the waiter’s face.
I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.
I get all my indisputable political facts from what my uncle Harold posts on Facebook. Like did u know Obama killed the last living unicorn?
Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as “really nice” people.
Who else is a “really nice” neighbor?
Canada.
I’m just sayin’
I wrote a message to my mom giving her a heads up on my carefully thought-out plan to approach my wife about a divorce, and then accidentally sent it to my wife.
[on phone with mom]
SHE SAID YES!!!!
“congrats, son”
I asked her if she thought I was weird
“Wait what?”
She thinks I’m weird. We broke up
Me: Keep absolutely still. His vision is based on movement
Vampire: That’s a T-Rex, idiot
“I don’t have to outrun the bear! Just you!” Wrong. Bears are so sick of that joke, they skip the slow guy and eat the fast guy now.
Take this time to do something creative!
– learn to paint
– play some songs
– write that book
– no wait your book is too similar to the book I’m trying to write
– stop you’re a faster writer than me!
– universal is already inquiring about movie righys?!?
– it’s a trilogy?!?!?!
(trying to indicate to my partner that i would like another beer if theyre getting up, but using only skills i learned from point and click adventure games) wow, i could really go a beer right now. maybe some beer would help in this situation. i think there’s some beer over there
chews marshmallows with bovine intensity
Gf: *holding my secret second phone* what the hell is this for
Me: *uses it so my screen time doesn’t say 19 hours a day* cheating
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
Sorry we can’t be friends, but you spent $50 on a wine scented candle because it smelled good instead of just buying me five bottles of wine.
“Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there,” we chant. Another agent appears inside the pentagram and screams. The dark lord feasts tonight.
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.