I choose toothpaste NOT recommended by dentists… those sneaky tooth-fiddlers have a lot to gain from promoting one that doesn’t work.
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angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
One of the best ways to explain my dad is that I went to an Orioles game with a friend when I was, like, ten and randomly ran into my dad in line for food and he was like “oh hey you gotta try these hot dogs” and never asked how I got there
i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot
I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.
We are all damned fools. He tried to warn us, but we didn’t have ears to hear.
Now all I can see is that horrific smile. That knowing gaze born of higher-knowledge which says, “It is too late.”
The Papa John’s Day of Reckoning has come.
#coronapocalypse
#QuarantineAndChill
Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard
*typing “eight spiders” into my calorie app*
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
My kids lost a Barbie shoe.
I dug in the trash and found one.
It was from a set they didn’t know was missing
Now I’m looking for 2 shoes.
my fav thing at work is asking “can i have your name?” to customers. they dont understand, thats mine now. i am damian now. not you. you lost that. you gave it to me.
Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.
You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money
Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
I’d been waiting so long for my doc, when the assistant came out and called for Krokowski, I said right here, here I am and ran back before Krokowski knew what happened.
Stop destroying the earth. This is where I keep all my stuff.
if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship
This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”
A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.
Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
It’s 100% legal to give cops the finger. But remember, it’s also apparently 100% legal for them to shoot and kill you.
I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.
*new parents*
Him: I’ve been sleeping with someone else.
Her: YOU’VE BEEN SLEEPING!!
I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.
I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.
this came to me in a vision
“Finally, Avengers time baby!! Been waiting so long to watch this. Nothing could ruin this moment for…”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson sits next to me holding a huge notepad]
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
FBI Agent: We heard you were involved in an alien abduction
Me: I swear, I was not abducted
From basement: *inhuman screeches*
Agent: What was that
Me: My excessively human child