@duplicitron

I choose what country to visit each year by the shape of the first chicken nugget I eat.

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@AthenaMystique

*sings Batman theme
*crawls along bars of death
*rolls down slope
*ascends tower
*knocks out foes

“Miss, you need to leave the playground.”

@heyitsJudeD

Ok, it’s nearly 3.30 am here, someone give me some good sleeping tips! If I don’t answer you know they’ve worked!

@Pastor_Bert

Me: are you serious?
GF: yes I can’t take it anymore, you’re too unpredictable
Me: [wearing a different shirt] what are you talking about?

@IBroughtTheComb

Target cashier: “Did you find everything you needed okay?”

Me: “I DIDN’T NEED ANY OF THIS.”

@GroovyTasia

Don’t believe what others say about you, they know nothing. For example, in 4th grade my teacher said I was going to grow up and be successful and she was wrong on both accounts

@fro_vo

*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now

@reczit

Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.

@stayathomies

The negotiation skills of my 6yo about how many more bites she has to eat make me want her on my side the next time I make an offer to buy a house.

@TraitorousFinn

*Kylo Ren pranks calls Finn*

Hey Finn I bet you shop at

*dramatic pause*

Traitor Joes!!!

*High fives Hux*