*sings Batman theme
*crawls along bars of death
*rolls down slope
*knocks out foes
“Miss, you need to leave the playground.”
I choose what country to visit each year by the shape of the first chicken nugget I eat.
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Ok, it’s nearly 3.30 am here, someone give me some good sleeping tips! If I don’t answer you know they’ve worked!
Me: are you serious?
GF: yes I can’t take it anymore, you’re too unpredictable
Me: [wearing a different shirt] what are you talking about?
Target cashier: “Did you find everything you needed okay?”
Me: “I DIDN’T NEED ANY OF THIS.”
Don’t believe what others say about you, they know nothing. For example, in 4th grade my teacher said I was going to grow up and be successful and she was wrong on both accounts
My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]
*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now
Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.
The negotiation skills of my 6yo about how many more bites she has to eat make me want her on my side the next time I make an offer to buy a house.
*Kylo Ren pranks calls Finn*
Hey Finn I bet you shop at
*High fives Hux*