I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I’m hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014
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The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in
Women have to be pissed knowing female kangaroos have an ingrown, biological fanny pack when they can’t even get pockets in their pants.
Maybe Jehovah’s Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they’re looking for Heaven’s Door.
You don’t know.
[ Dracula opens freezer ]
Her: What are you doing with my tampons?
Dracula: Making popsicles
Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.
God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE
H: Want to go to Lowe’s with me?
M: Can I wear my tiara?
H: I’d rather you not
M: Then no thanks
[husband leaves]
M: *whispers* works every time
Want to feel old? We’re closer to the summer of 2069 than we are the original year Bryan Adams wrote that song about, the summer ‘69 AD.
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.
Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement
I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating”.
I almost just turned down a beer.
Calm down, I said almost.
Started to watch Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny and I saw the warning that it contains tobacco depictions so I threw my TV in the street. Not in this household.
Wife: I need some chicken stock.
Me: okay. I’ll call the broker tomorrow.
If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.
[about to be murdered]
ME: *whispers into murderer’s ear*
MURDERER: No, I do not want to hold hands.
Uber driver, “You know, if they had Uber back in my day, I wouldn’t have all these DUIs.”
Me, {opens door} “I’ll just get out right here.”
this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore
Anaesthetist: Count back from 10
Me: WHY IS THERE MATHS? NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATHS
LOAN OFFICER: Sign here…
ME: *signs*
LO: And, here.
ME: *signs*
LO: Down payment, please.
ME: Here you go.
LO: You want road hazard insurance?
ME: Yes, please.
LO: Sign here.
ME: *signs* Is that it?
LO: Yes, the barista will call your name when the order’s ready.
Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed
*my kid walks in*
Me: I see you’re a liar
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
[in car]
Wife: Dont tell ur arm story
Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe
*at party*
AND THAT’S WHEN MY HUMOROUS BROKE IN HALF
When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.
Nice try, private caller. I don’t answer the phone if I know you either.
No one
An atheist: I am an atheist btw
I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.