I cleaned off the top of my desk so I’d feel like I accomplished something. Now I just have to clean up the floor where I threw everything.
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My wife sends me home improvement TikToks and says these projects “would be so easy” for me to do so I started sending her the elaborate “simple” cooking ones and now we’ve reached an uncomfortable truce.
Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday
“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”
– Me, camping
Hi, I need to schedule a doctor’s appointment. Why? I’m down a few pounds and need it documented in my permanent record. I AM THINNER and won’t be ignored.
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
My daughter just asked for nunchucks for her 12th birthday. Have to say, I’m 50% proud, 30% amused and 100% terrified.
I often stand naked in front of a full-length mirror, studying myself to better come to terms with my imperfections. It’s not an easy thing to do though, and quite frankly I feel IKEA security could be a little more supportive.
[yoga]
INSTRUCTOR: pigeon pose, ladies!
ME: *already tugging the sandwich out of her purse*
Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No
6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.
Count your blessings every day. Maybe you’ll have more blessings than Todd in accounting and you can rub them in his stupid face.
Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…
“I am out of the office. If you need immediate help please contact customer service.”
“Dude this isn’t email I’m standing in front of you.”
My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”
I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
[rejected dialogue from star trek II: the wrath of khan]
khan: revenge is a dish with a dried glob of food on it that won’t come off no matter how hard you scrub
[First day as a teacher]
Me: *practicing in the mirror* You’ve got this, you’re gonna do great.
[Later]
Student: May I use the restroom?
Me: *laughing* I DON’T KNOW, MAY YO- oh dammit
Pants? You mean Leg Prisons?
“I dunno, maybe you go steal an old lady’s purse, you can hold up a liquor store, & you…just sit there looking mean.”
-Unorganized Crime
*eats a crab apple*
*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*
victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*
murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.
Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.
optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires
Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.
“Sir can I ask you why you’re smoking TWO huge cops?”
Blunt, i’m
*turns to camera*
Doing this tweet wrong
*Blunt just stares in confusion*
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo asks for a hug, I just wish she didn’t always wait until she’s mid-poop to ask.