I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid
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My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick
Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.
If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.
Living with my 6-year-old is like living with a firing squad, only it’s questions instead of bullets.
Townspeople: [shaking pitchforks at me] BURN THE WITCH
Me: lmao go ahead I can take it
Townspeople: you have a dumb face
Me: [tearing up] ok I was wrong I can’t take it
Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn’t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.
Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me
In 8th grade, I had a crush on boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was going to switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.
That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and he walks right past you…
[Top of the Eiffel Tower]
Me: I just want you to know “eiffel” in love with you
Them:
Me: get it? “I fell”
Them: *pushes me off* you fell
HELLO FELLOW HUMAN TEENS I HEARD THE COOLEST PLACE FOR US TEENS TO HANG OUT IS The Colossal Pillar of Wasp Eggs LETS GO DO NOT BRING WEAPONS
I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.
My resume says, “GIMME A JOB,” I’ve had four recruiters reach out and tell me to stop watching career TikTok for advice.
Bring your kids to work day was a huge success. One of the children fixed our server.
If I was rich I’d have two hedge mazes. One from which there can be no escape. And one for more lighthearted affairs and casual mazing.
My kids just watched this video where two You Tubers stopped playing piano to fight each other with knives.
Me: Wow, you two really like comedy
Son: Who doesn’t like comedy?
Daughter: Who doesn’t like knives?
*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*
If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??
Birds & Planes.
Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.
911,What’s your emergency?
Me: I think it’s a heart attack
911: Can you call back when you’re sure, we’re watching Walking Dead
When a child tells you that they have to go potty, you’re about five minutes from too late.
Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”
I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for
Nailed it…🗑️🐇😅
Wife: How’d this get broken?
Me: Probably the kids.
Wife: We don’t have any kids.
Me: *already sprinted out the front door*
We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.