I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.
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8-year-old: *puts on new shoes* I’m faster now because they’re red.
Me: Your old shoes were red, too.
8: These are redder.
*comes outside months after coronavirus is done*
FRIEND: You didn’t have to quarantine that long.
ME: There’s been quarantines?
my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…
I broke up with my boyfriend. He was such a jerk. What a goat!
-Don’t you mean pig?
No. He tried to eat my couch!
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.
Heroic fire saves man from having horrible house
I have good and bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
We need a new front door
WIFE: And the good news?
[points to Monster Truck in living room]
Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.
american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere
ME: Diligently sanitizing countertops, faucets, door knobs, light switches, remote controls, phones, hands,
ALSO ME: Eating a piece of a Kit Kat I dropped on the floor because wasting chocolate? In these times?
What light through yonder window breaks…
Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!
Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.
then my mum calls to ask why I’m not attending a family dinner; she says where is the glue
me: glue?
her: the glue you have been sniffing
me: i won employee of the month
her: ur self-employed
me:
her:
me: i also got demoted
HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still
Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct
I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.
“can you explain this gap in your employment history”
yah i was a toddler
I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.
Don’t rub your happiness in people’s faces this Valentine’s Day. Let the couples enjoy themselves for once.
A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die
A fess on behalf of my cat, who recently had kittens. Now that the kittens are able to walk around and develop their personalities, it’s clear one of them is going to grow into a little shit. And mama kitty, judging by her attempt to drop him down the toilet last night, agrees.
ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec-
ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let’s hear him out.
Oh baby, were not going to need a ‘do not disturb’ sign. We’re going to need a ‘please don’t call the police were fine’ sign.
If we hadn’t made them extinct, instead of kung fu panda we could have had tae kwon dodo.
I’m going to open a camouflage store at the mall and call it
thought I was all good when my doctor said i was healthy as a horse; turns out he was referring to one specific horse, ‘Sick Matthew’
Elmo: Oscar, why are you a grouch?
Oscar: Growing up, my parents were-
*stabs Elmo with broken beer bottle*
CUZ I LIVE IN A TRASHCAN.
Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.
When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️