I climbed on this seesaw with Rick Astley 3 hours ago.
*sigh
He’s never gonna let me down.
You Might Also Like
there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.
Dr: I’m giving u a proton-pump inhibitor
Me: LIKE A GHOSTBUSTER?
D: No for acid reflu *sees tears welling in my eyes* yes for busting ghosts
Once a guy came to our door with an educational book-selling MLM. He tried to get my husband by asking “do you even know why a flamingo is pink?” And I guess the guy hadn’t anticipated running into a man raised on zoboomafoo because he walked away defeated.
[concert]
SINGER: How’s everyone feeling tonight???
ME: Whooo, kind of stressed, I’m in standoff with my HOA regarding lawn ornamentation!!!
Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke
This could be us, but you weedin’.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: On the sitcom Friends, how come the only couch at the coffee shop was always available for them?
Latte is the most popular part of the pumpkin spice plant.
I feel bad for married ghosts. My parents have been together for decades, and they bicker all the time. Imagine how much a couple would fight after a few centuries. You just want to relax but your spouse is still mad about something you said during the Civil War.
A clean headbutting is the most elegant way to win an argument.
Wife: Can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: Ok that’s low, Sharon
Me (trying to impress my date): I’ll have the garden fresh salad
Drive-thru: Dressing?
Me: Ummm, nope. Just sitting in my car
I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.
-me as a witness, describing the murderer
Somebody asked me if I could go back in time if I would kill baby Hitler. Hold up. Hitler was a baby? This shit just keeps getting crazier
DAD: when your grandpa died we planted that tree so we don’t forget him
ME: cool
[later]
TREE: You still remember grandpa chuck?
ME: yeah
TREE: cool just checkin
My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.
[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks
Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing
I’m getting to the age where I have to drink milk to strengthen my bones or I could die if someone shoots me in the face.
ME: Sometimes I feel like I’m in a bad tweet
NARRATOR: And he was
ME: I see you
NARRATOR: He could see me
ME: Stop
NARRATOR: I did not stop
The fact that my nephew told his teacher his Mom is on parole.
She’s on patrol, serving in the National Guard.
Patrol.
I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.
Did You Know?
Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.
As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too
god: *creates human* whatcha think?
angel: nice, will it hurt itself in the dark?
god: *adds shins* now it will
Prof asked if anyone liked comic books. I raised my hand. She didnt add anything or say why it mattered. Just wanted to isolate me socially.
Me: I saved $2000 remodeling the bathroom [flexes muscles].
Her: Did you add the hospital visit?
Me:
cats when you pet them too long:
Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages