What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.
I climbed on this seesaw with Rick Astley 3 hours ago.
He’s never gonna let me down.
You Might Also Like
The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.
[supermarket – empty shelves]
me: everyone is hordeing
her: I think you mean hoarding
me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean
Things I have in common with an avocado:
-If I’m just on my own I’m pretty bland
-I swing drastically and unpredictably from too hard to too soft
-I’m pleasant for only a very brief window of time
-I’m often found with chips
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.
*offers Batman cough drops*
I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
Try saying “good luck” without sounding sarcastic. Good luck.
I need to stop Binge thinking.