@dreamthievin

I climbed on this seesaw with Rick Astley 3 hours ago.

*sigh

He’s never gonna let me down.

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@TuffyNyC

What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.

@dysondoc

The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.

@Gupton68

[supermarket – empty shelves]

me: everyone is hordeing

her: I think you mean hoarding

me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean

@TragicAllyHere

Things I have in common with an avocado:

-If I’m just on my own I’m pretty bland
-I swing drastically and unpredictably from too hard to too soft
-I’m pleasant for only a very brief window of time
-I’m often found with chips

@tastefactory

I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that

@JediGigi

[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.

@AnkCoupleTO

I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill

@Bunnydurden

Try saying “good luck” without sounding sarcastic. Good luck.