“i cnat believe this!” he yells as his beard of bees turns on him. “i would expect this from the others but not u” he says to 1 specific bee
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I ran out of coffee and my husband said I should just have tea instead so the next time he wanted to have sex I said he should just have tea instead
Moves shopping cart to allow car to park
Lady doesn’t even say thanks
Puts cart back behind her car
Leaves.
This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane
To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.
Everyone talking about a baby boom in nine months can only be talking about first borns
The last thing anyone quarantined at home with kids right now wants is more kids
Green is just blue that someone peed in
If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.
debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you
[To Police Sketch Artist]
Me: “Black female…
5’3ish…
Brunette…
Curvy but not fat. Athletic, I guess…
Good sense of humor…
No kids — no divorcees either. Umm.. Must like dogs?…”Sketch Artist:…
Me: “Why have you stopped drawing?”
I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.
The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.
Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face
T-rex: hell yeah
Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…
Aw beans
I’m amazed at the things I find in my undies after a night out. Glitter, matchbook, food & I wasn’t even wearing underwear before I went out
[creation]
PORCUPINE: So what’s my deal
GOD: Basically a fat lazy rat that eats sticks and your vision sucks
P: WTF dude are you serious
G: lmfao yeah bro
P:
G:
P: Can… I at least be covered in thousands of tiny swords
G:
P:
G: HELL YES THAT IS METAL AF MY MAN
Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.
I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad
ugh not again
I sexually identify as that one flickering letter on the neon motel sign.
The doctor should ask how often you miss your mouth entirely when drinking
I overheard a dad at Starbucks tell a kid not to tell Mom he got a cake pop for breakfast, so I guess I’m part of their web of lies now too.
My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
[LA Earthquake]
Me: Wow, do you feel tha-
Husband: *pushes me out of the way and runs down the street screaming* Every man for himself!
me: [trying to pronounce gnocchi] “gnocc gnocc-”
waiter: “who’s there? haha”
me: “this isn’t a joke son”
[standing at the bank teller’s window] one wealth please
Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!
Can I get a Hallelujah?
Hallelujah!
Can I get an Amen?
Amen!
Can I get you to watch my kids for five minutes?
*crickets*
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
*sees a meteor* I wonder where that’s landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.