Them: your pets are spoiled
Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide
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All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.
me: omg did you just steal that from the kitchenware department? you could’ve got caught!
him: what can I say, I’m a whisk taker
Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now
My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.
Man: dog is my best friend
Dog: man is aight I guess
Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.
Never put a toaster in the bathtub. Nobody likes soggy toast.
When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring
judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol
*opens fridge door, looking for friends *
It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.
You strike me as one of those people who show up and debunk all the fun in the last 2 minutes of an otherwise scintillating UFO TV program.
Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.
We decided to have money instead of children.
me
wife
me
wife
me: I didn’t know it was for you
wife [covered in soda because I shook the can up when my kid asked for one]
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
*Takes off clothes
*Enters meeting room naked
*Coworkers gasp in horror
*Slowly backs out of room[whispers] “you said debriefing”
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
GROCERY CLERK: I’m sorry sir, but we’re out of pumpkins. I hear some people use watermelons instead, would you like one of those?
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: No, that… that’s not going to work for me.
Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.
I like to relax by sampling different types of cheese while people watching.
Walmart clerk: ma’am, put down the block of cheese and get out of the display
Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are
[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this
Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day
God: you’re a mosquito.
Mosquito: what does that mean?
God: you feed on blood.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire?
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: you can fly.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire!
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: garlic repels you.
Mosquito: [happy gasp] i’m an itty-bitty vampire!
I finally feel peaceful and my mind is quiet.
Universe: Have her ex from 15 years ago contact her out of the blue and apologize for things she’d forgotten.
Elon Musk made $180M when PayPal was acquired in 2002.
He put $100M in SpaceX, $70M in Tesla, and $10M in Solar City. He borrowed money for rent.
Now, he’s worth $190 billion.
The greatest entrepreneurs aren’t driven by money; it’s a byproduct of success.
Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.