My 12yo daughter has a male friend in her room right now and I just heard her say the word “romance” through the door, so if you need me I’ll be knocking on their door with panic-snacks every 10 minutes and weeping salty dad-tears the rest of the time
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A Pringles Tube but for Donuts
4: MOM I NEED ANOTHER RED WINE!
Me, to the judging parents at the beach: RED VINE! She wants another licorice!!
Like I’d ever share my wine with her.
CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.
i told my roommate i was going on a date tonight, and he goes “let me see what you’re working with” so i did a pose 💅🏽
and he says “not you, the guy” 😭😭
Superman could shit sauerkraut and they’d still love him. But when I do it, everyone’s like “gross katie”, and “now you’ve ruined the hot tub for all of us”.
Put your family down and pay attention to your phone.
[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now
Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.
It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.
(No offense, Andrea.)
Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.
half of all the problems in life can be solved by duct tape. For the rest, you’re gonna have to reboot that computer
[dinner]
HER: don’t embarrass me tonight
ME: how would I do that?
WAITER: just an fyi we ran out of lettuce
ME: ok, everyone romaine calm
Please don’t ask her what she wants for Valentine’s day. She’ll say she wants nothing. You’ll believe her and we both know how it’s going to end.
if I were a pediatrician, I’d answer my phone:
“NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
Me: for really important stuff i guess
CNN: an Iowa woman just ate 37 McRibs
Me: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
Me: she did what
LOGIC: Obviously, the end of the week is the “weekend”
CALENDARS:
What if I offe
red you ano
ther idea of what “week
end” means?
in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away
My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby
I turn 25 in two weeks
What kind of bait does a librarian use when he goes fishing?
A bookworm!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayThoughts #ThursdayVibes
Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate
home depot should sell a 12ft turkey skeleton for thanksgiving
How come we never describe an arsonist as someone who lit up a room?
Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it
I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.
That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.
Standing by the stove, eating scrambled eggs out of the frying pan with a spatula, but in a sexy way.
John Travolta’s cat gets very itchy for a few hours every weekend, because it’s got Saturday Night Flea Fur.
Racism is alive and well. I entered a plane and a white lady started freaking out. I laughed so hard my grenades fell out of my pocket.
*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*
me: hEY leave that little guy alone
Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.