Oh my God. You try to run him over one time and he never lets you forget it.
I combined two hit games and made “Angry Words With Friends” where I just scream obsenities at people while throwing dead birds at them.
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wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
“Since you both claim to be this infant’s mother, we’ll cut the baby in half.”
“Y…uh, alright then. Let’s do this.”
CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]
This Male Order Bride is the worst and most expensive typo I’ve ever paid for.
Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?
it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.
told my therapist i was hesitant to start antidepressants bc of the sexual side effects and she said “do you even have enough sex for that to matter” and long story short im currently headed to walgreens to refill my prescription
My wife handed me a mop so I inspected it and said, “You’re good to go, woman!” and now the mop handle is in a funny place.
Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.